Cleaning Kat-astrophe

One of the shows I’ve been binge-watching on Netflix lately is Tidying Up with Marie Kondo.

The premise of the show is simple. Marie Kondo comes into Americans’ homes and helps them “tidy up.” Her system is basically about picking up and holding everything in your hands to determine if it “sparks joy”. If it doesn’t, you discard it. As you discard the item, you thank it for what it did for you while you were in possession of it, then you pass it on to someone who will find “joy” from it. In the end, the show is about gratitude and giving thanks for your home and possessions.

Once you’ve decluttered, her main way of organizing is to utilize boxes of varying sizes and to stand things upright in them. With clothing, that means folding them a certain way.

I kind of became obsessed with the folding thing and went to work on The Husband Dude’s work shirts. His job issues neon-yellow shirts because the employees work outside and need to be visible. They get five new T-shirts every summer.

But did I mention that THD doesn’t like to throw things out? So, he has like thirty of them.

I finished his drawer and a couple of others but then my motivation kind of fell by the wayside. I admit it’s easier to find things in those drawers, but I just don’t know if I can go all-in with her system.

Of course, any system is better than no system.

Maybe I should write a book about cleaning and organizing. I can teach all of you my lazy ways!

Kleaning With Kat: The Art of the Fail

Step One: Prepare your mind and your space.

Friends, you need to find a calm, quiet place in your home where you can be alone with your thoughts for just a few minutes. No, not a few minutes to meditate and give thanks to your home. Just to get away because EVERYBODY IS TALKING TO YOU AND YOU NEED A FUCKING MINUTE TO ZONE OUT.

I find the bathroom to be the best spot, but you’ll want to make sure the bathroom is well-prepared for your refuge. I strongly recommend wine in a box, so you don’t have to worry about breaking glass. Also, snacks don’t hurt. I find that Great Value cheese cubes pair quite nicely with a boxed wine. Plus, they come in a resealable package, so you can save them for later.

It’s very important that you take your cell phone with you. How else are you going to post dimly lit selfies showing your best duck lips with your toilet in the background? Just don’t forget your charger. Nothing kills a quiet moment like a dead battery in the middle of Candy Crush.

You’ll find the bathroom to be a great hiding spot from everyone except your spouse, your toddlers, your pre-teens, your teens, your pets, and random strangers who ring the doorbell.

Step Two: Decluttering

Once you have wined and dined yourself at Chez Potty, it’s time for decluttering.

I suggest baby steps on this, especially if you live with two hoarder wannabes like I do. There are several methods for approaching this.

Option 1: The stealth removal

This one is tricky and requires great powers of perception, attentiveness, intuition and sometimes random guessing. It also requires an absolute commitment to bending the truth. Let me explain.

With stealth removal, you are removing only one or a small handful of items from the premises under complete cover of darkness. You must be willing to ask yourself the really difficult questions like, I know this package of construction paper has been sitting on the hobby table for two years, completely unopened and to the point the paper has faded…but if I throw it away, will it be missed? Also, do we really need twenty-five of the same Happy Meal toy, especially if half of them are broken?

If the answer is yes, you must set it aside for the organizing portion of our program. If the answer is no, you must proceed to the stealthy part of this option.

You see, one does not simply walk out of Our Lady of Perpetual Junk Drawer with a garbage bag full of stuff. One must smuggle the trash out like classified documents from the Pentagon, lest either of the household hoarders discover a sudden sentimental attachment to a broken extension cord. This is the sacrifice we must make for our tidiness.

Just be prepared for this one to bite you in the ass. Despite all your best-laid plans, all of your calculations of the probability of being discovered, the Venn Diagrams and Pie Charts you created to form the perfect junk removal plan, eventually you will be confronted with the disappearance of an item.

This is the sketchy, truth-bending portion of our program.

Practice the following phrases until they come to you naturally:

“I have no idea where that package of construction paper is.”

“Oh, Bud. Don’t you remember you thought the less fortunate kids should have those toys, so we donated them to charity?”

“What do you mean where is your burgundy, white, and pine-green striped, long sleeve shirt that went out of style in 1989? You never owned one.”

Option 2: The Ninja Attack

This one is pretty straightforward and is very effective but will often result in a severe backlash. If you are willing to accept the pain that goes with this option, here’s how to proceed.

Plan a day when the other people in the household will be at work and/or school, then prepare your materials. You will need:

• garbage bags
• boxes
• possibly a shovel
• 1-800-JUNK on speed dial
• You may need a dumpster or a large truck

As soon as the last person has left the house, you will storm the beach at Normandy, except Normandy is actually a closet or bedroom and your weapon of choice is a Raspberry Mocha with an extra shot of espresso.

You will be heartless. You will be a machine. You will not stop until the useless, broken, torn and worn-out stuff is gone.

This method of decluttering is usually met with mixed emotions. There may be crying and tantrum throwing and timeouts may be required.

Your child might be upset by it too.

These are the stages of Pack Rat Grief:

Shock and awe. They literally can’t believe how neat and tidy the house can look.

Giddiness. They run around, excited at the prospect of being able to actually find all their stuff!

Anger. They just realized that all their stuff doesn’t mean ALL their stuff.

Disbelief. I can’t believe you got rid of all those three-year-old catalogs of stuff that aren’t available anymore that I might want to look at someday.

Bargaining. Are the bags still out in the garage?

Distraction. Acceptance. You made meatloaf for dinner? Sweet!

Re-accumulation. Look at this perfectly good piece of exercise equipment someone left on the street! It’s only got two broken parts. Can you believe they threw it out???

Step Three: Organizing

Now that you’ve filed for divorce decluttered, it’s time to organize what’s left. I really feel like this is a personal decision and that the best method of organizing is one you will actually use.

Wow…I almost sounded credible there, didn’t I?

As I mentioned before, Marie Kondo’s method of organizing involves putting things in boxes, usually standing upright so you can see them. It makes sense. This method has worked spectacularly well for cats for centuries.

Whatever method of organization you use, it’s important to keep it up. Otherwise, you end up in what I like to call…

The Bonus Round: Stash and Dash

The Stash and Dash Method is exactly what it implies and usually occurs about thirty minutes before company is set to arrive at your door.

Not that I would know anything about that.

The Stash and Dash Method is quite simple:

1. Gather up as much crap in your arms as you can hold. Or better yet, grab one of the gazillion grocery bags you have stuffed inside each other and stuff as much crap as you can inside it.
2. Find the nearest drawer or closet that has enough space for you to make your deposit.
3. Proceed to dump your loot into the drawer or closet. Step 3 may be difficult if you are overly prone to using the Stash and Dash Method. Proceed to Step 4.
4. You may need to put your arms and legs into it. Like literally. Use your arms and legs to stuff that crap in there until the drawer or door closes.
5. You might need two or more people for the previous step.
6. Just be aware that if you use the Stash and Dash Method, there will come a time when you try to figure out why your underwear drawer is so full. You will start cleaning it out only to find a sackful of old receipts and checkbook registers, pamphlets someone handed you at the doctor’s office, more expired catalogs, three heart-shaped tins with chocolate kisses in them that were a wedding favor at a wedding you attended three weddings ago, cat toys that you threw in there because they jingle and the cat was playing with them one night while you were trying to sleep, more grocery bags, $23.32 in change, five Rustic Cuff bags, and a drinking straw.

Not that I would know anything about that.