Lessons You Can Learn From Job Evaluations

Is there any aspect of employment that is worse than the job evaluation? Other than the job interview, I can’t really think of one.

While this rite of passage is not fun for anyone, I have managed to glean a few lessons from them that may or may not help you. I hope you’ll find this information useful.

The Just-Show-Up-And-Get-Paid Evaluation

This was my first exposure to evaluations at my very first job, working as a cashier and customer service desk clerk at our university bookstore on campus. I didn’t have to do anything to earn it, and my supervisor never sat down with me to discuss it.

The only thing that happened was that after a year of working there, my supervisor said, “By the way, you got a fifteen cent raise and it’ll be on your next paycheck.”

And I was like, “Cool” and then I went out and did body shots with my boyfriend all night.

Lesson you can take away from this: Show up on time, don’t steal, try not to throw up from your hangover.

The other lesson you can take away from this: Nobody gives a shit about your performance when you’re working a minimum wage job. They just need a warm body that’s willing to show up and work for $4.25 an hour (1991 wages).

The Blindside Evaluation

After college, came my first “real” job, which meant my first “real” evaluation.

This evaluation consisted of thinking I was doing okay because I wasn’t receiving any feedback one way or the other, and then when I finally had a sit-down, I was marked unsatisfactory on four out of ten goals. Mind you, three unsatisfactory marks would result in probation. The principal had even “documented” some perceived wrong-doing I had done on a day I was actually absent from work.

I had been warned by my coworkers that this boss was famous for blindsides. I nicknamed her Godzilla because she was incredibly destructive and everyone was afraid of her. Also, because she looked a little like a ginormous, fire-breathing dinosaur wearing Birkenstocks.

I was ill-prepared to deal with a Tokyo-destroying lizard on my own, so I called my union rep. Under his advice, I carefully documented all the examples of why her evaluation was wrong. I walked into my next meeting with a two-inch binder full of photos, paperwork documenting my work product, absence records and doctor’s notes proving I wasn’t even at work the day I supposedly transgressed against Godzilla’s rules.

She didn’t even open the book. She pulled out my evaluation, changed the marks, and had me sign it.

Seriously.

Lesson you can take away: DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT. Cover your ass.

The other lesson you can take away from this: Much like bears and other wild animals, if you turn your back and try to run, Godzilla will chase you down and gnaw your face off, effectively killing you and your career.  The best approach is to make yourself as large as possible and look like you’re challenging her. She will basically fold like a 1970’s card table.

The Specialized Skills Don’t Count Evaluation

This is less about what you can do and more about what you are NOT allowed to claim you can do.

Confused yet?

That’s okay. This one was well over fifteen years ago, and it still confuses me.

This one started with the question, “What sets you apart from your coworkers?”

In case you are keeping score, this is the ugly step-sister to that lovely all-encompassing interview question, “What would you say is your greatest strength/weakness?”

Cue the “Damned if you do, damned if you don’t” music.

“What sets you apart from your coworkers?” my team manager asked me.

About two feet and half a cubicle wall.

That’s what I wanted to say. Here’s what I really said. “Well, I guess the most obvious thing is that I’m bilingual and I’m able to help those customers that need that additional assistance.”

He leaned his head back. “You can’t use that as an answer.”

“I can’t?”

“No. It’s not fair.  It’s like me saying that being tall sets me apart from the other supervisors up here.”

You should probably know that this team manager was at least six foot seven and used to play basketball in high school and college.

I wasn’t sure how to respond, so I treaded carefully. “You’re comparing speaking a foreign language to a genetic trait?”

“I’m just saying you can’t use that on your evaluation as an example of what sets you apart from your coworkers.”

I paused and took a breath. “But it’s a specialized skill that literally NOBODY else in our WHOLE department has right now.”

“And I’m one of the tallest people in our WHOLE department.”

We stared at each other for a full fifteen seconds while I contemplated his point of view.

Finally, I broke the silence. “Well, ummmm…okay…The next time I get a customer on the phone who requires assistance in Spanish, I’ll transfer them to you, and you can just sit there and be tall.”

Lesson you can take away: Being bilingual doesn’t mean shit to a tall supervisor.

Another lesson you can take away: There’s shit you should probably keep in your brain and not say to your immediate supervisor.

The Write-Your-Own Evaluation

This is the best evaluation for an aspiring writer! You can really hone your creative writing chops on an evaluation you write for yourself.

Some people think of this as a drudgery they would rather not deal with. I mean, there is some validity to that. You write out a glowing review for yourself, and then your supervisor adds their own input, and you end up negotiating your score like my dad once negotiated down the sale price of a black and white TV at Kmart.

Except he actually talked them down.

They don’t really want your opinion. They are just hoping you’ll trip up and admit to something they didn’t know you messed up on. That’s why I firmly believe in having a little fun with this evaluation. I like to present mine like the kind of narration you hear on nature shows like Wild Kingdom or The Crocodile Hunter.

“Watch as Kat answers the phone and carefully approaches the customer, giving it plenty of space. Kat gives the customer a healthy dose of respect and never turns her back as she slowly draws the dart gun of bad news.”

“See how she dances around the subject? She’s making small talk, exchanging pleasantries, and preparing for the blow to come.  Watch how she delivers the news in a friendly and sympathetic tone, keeping an even keel.”

“Whoa! Wait a minute! The customer just bowed up into an offensive position. Watch Kat crouch in defense, continuing to maintain her professionalism, even as she’s being called a stupid bitch and being thanked for not doing a fucking thing to help. Kat deflects the insults and rude behavior like a pro! She is truly in her element amongst the swearing and sarcasm. Listen to her say, ‘Have a nice day’ as the phone gets slammed down in her ear. She dominated that call!”

Lesson you can take away from this: Creative writing is a skill you can put on your resume for when your “write it yourself” evaluation gets you fired and you must look for another job.

Another lesson you can take away: You can use your creative writing skills to write about stupid evaluations you’ve had in your work history.

The Wave of the Future Evaluation

I had to read 1984 by George Orwell when I was in high school. I had no idea it was a handbook of my future employment.

Big Brother knows whether you picked up that call or not. He knows if you are the one who disconnected the call or if the customer did. He knows how long the call lasted and how long it was before you logged back in to take another call. He knows which numbers you’ve dialed out on, which files you’ve accessed, what you looked at on the internet and whether you followed your schedule.

He knows when you’ve been sleeping. He knows when you’re awake. He knows when you’ve been bad or good, so….

Never mind.

Big Brother is like fucking Elf on a Shelf with a computer, only less creepy and kids don’t care about him.

Big Brother’s evaluations include charts on the wall that are updated daily, kind of like the gold stars you got in kindergarten, only your reward is YOU GET TO WORK HARDER! The Big Brother evaluations include pie charts and reports and numbers. Lots of numbers. So many numbers.

It’s an accounting nerd’s wet dream.

Unfortunately, these evaluations are also a confusing narrative of goals that work in direct opposition to each other.

“We are taking too long to get to each customer because we’re not being efficient and spending too much time with each one. From now on, we are timing you.”

“We are cutting too many corners because people are trying to meet their numbers and they are sacrificing quality. From now on, we are focusing on handling everything to the furthest point.”

“We are overworking our files. Quit knit-picking the little things. From now on, we are focusing on the big picture.”

“We are missing the details. How can you have quality if you don’t pay attention to the small things? From now on, focus on quality.”

Do you see what I mean? It’s like the corporate executives got married, then got divorced and now they are just sabotaging each other when it’s their weekend with the kids. All we can do is act out and hope the counselor at school notices something is really wrong before we start smoking dope and cutting classes.

Lessons you can take away: Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.

Another lesson you can take away: You will miss the days when you were so happy to get a fifteen cent raise, you went out and slammed tequila all night.

Good times.