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Freak.

Free Delivery Sometime This Century

By: 18 Comments

I want it now!

This is pretty much the mantra of every American alive at the moment. I’m not different. I’ve been spoiled by Amazon Prime.

I recently fell prey to one of those Facebook ads that are now plaguing all of our newsfeeds. I usually skip over them, but this one item caught my eye and I decided I needed it because it was normally $32.95 but for today only, it was $14.99 and if I bought two, it was an extra 10% off!

Well played, Facebook. Well played.

So after I got suckered into buying the item in question and after running the gauntlet at checkout where they won’t direct me to actual checkout until I’ve looked at twenty-five more “deals” they’ve got “just for me”, I got my confirmation email that said I could expect about five days for processing and then another seven-to-ten business days for shipping.

What. In. The. Actual. Fuck?

Is Great-Grandma with arthritis packing that box for me and then sending it by stagecoach?

I get that not everybody is Amazon. I mean, Amazon is so efficient now they don’t even have to deliver shit anymore. I’m pretty sure the Amazon dude just lives in my garage and conjures shit up by some kind of voodoo magic and drops it on the front porch for me about thirty seconds after I hit “enter”.

Seriously…this is what shopping on other apps feels like!

But seriously…why does it have to take two weeks??? I mean…I didn’t even get the shipping for free. I had to pay half the amount of the actual product to get it shipped by tortoise from Bumfuck, China. Apparently, that tortoise had to catch a ride on the Steamship Slowasfuck before crawling on the Old Route 66 before it arrived here in the 46th state.

Let me tell you…when you have to pay more for shipping than the actual product, it reminds you of being a teenager and joining the Columbia House Record and Tape Club when you could pick out Eleven records or tapes for a penny, but then it turned out the shipping cost was like $51.95 plus you were on the hook to buy at least thirty more records and tapes for $9.99.

And the fucking carrier pigeon took forever to deliver it to your house.

But I digress…

Maybe this Facebook Ad company that I purchased my item from, let the kids in the sweatshop actually take a potty break for five minutes, or maybe the burro died as it was climbing that last mountain range in Peru. Or maybe all the bunnies and monkeys they test the product out on staged a coupe and escaped. Maybe that’s why it’s taking so long to ship and deliver my very important package.

Yes. I’m aware I’m going to Hell.

And that I’ll be getting hate mail.

In any case, I don’t feel like I should have to wait two weeks to find out that the synthetic messy bun I bought isn’t the right color because my hair color wasn’t created by anything natural or by any combination of genes carried by any human being alive.

I can’t even dye it because it isn’t actual human hair. It’s just cheap shit from China that probably isn’t flame retardant either.

I could grow real hair faster than it took to get this crap in the mail.

Stay weird, my friends. Normal is boring.

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Comments

  1. Preach! Amazon has ruined us If I can’t have it in 2 days I might as well get off the couch and haul ass to an actual store.
    Oh, the horror!
    As to your bun, I shudder to think what Chinese animal is now walking around with a bald patch.

    Reply

  4. Try living in Alaska, everything takes for f-in ever. I still order from Amazon but last year around Christmas they apparently decided Alaska wasn’t a state and started shipping things in some other manner which resulted in a 3-4 week wait time for packages. Oh and it’s SO common for people to charge in excess of double the product prices to ship here because… uh we’re not a state? We’re part of Canada? No no, part of Russia? I’ve even argued that the SAME flat rate box/envelope costs the same amount to ship to Alaska but they don’t seem to get it. I have a list a mile long of places I won’t order from because they charge so much for shipping here and sometimes even charge an “international” shipping charge. We. Are. A. State.

    Reply

  6. Having natural hair doesn’t necessarily mean you can find the color that matches it either…
    Just go for the zany fake doesn’t-match look! It’s fun.

    Reply

  7. You killed me with the Steamship Slowasfuck. Oh dear God, I cannot stand to wait for shit anymore. School supplies? I was like, well let’s see if we can get something here tomorrow so I don’t have to drive 2 miles to Target tonight. Someday our grandkids will be trying to understand what life was like without Amazon – just like my kids cannot grasp what life was like before cell phones. I try to explain but they start to shudder and sweat. Yes, kids – it was THAT bad. Also the arthritic grandma working in the shipping department – golden!

    Reply

    • LOL. My youngest is already so spoiled with Amazon. By the second day, if the package isn’t waiting when he gets home from school, he’s texting me at work asking me to check on the status. LOL

      Reply

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