Don’t Sit So Close To Me

Okay, it feels like forever since I wrote a blog post and now I’m realizing it has been a few weeks, so I apologize.

Don’t worry, though. My time away from the blog hasn’t been wasted. I’ve been very productive. Aside from working during the busiest time of the year for my job, here are some things I’ve wasted my time on accomplished:

I finished binge watching Dexter for the second time.

I ordered Door Dash food and Walmart groceries to be delivered at the same time so I could bet myself who would arrive first.

I drank a Rosé float (a glass of Rosé wine poured over a scoop of vanilla ice cream).

I played in two tournaments in the Word Stacks app on my phone and won 2,000 fake coins that I can use to “buy” clues so I can play more of the game.

I drank another Rosé float.

My state started opening back up, so I got my hair and nails and lashes done again. My coworkers thought I was a new hire.

Just kidding.

Sort of.

I stared at a bunch of moving boxes that need to be filled some time between now and when our new house is finished, which will be some time between now and the next millenia.

Then I drank another Rosé float.

See what I mean? Totally productive.

Speaking of the state opening up…I’m afraid that as an essential worker who still reported to the office every day, I got terribly spoiled by not having to see people. I mean, I still saw my coworkers, but we have a tiny office of only nine people altogether. Aside from the nine people, I normally see other people from our office building/complex in the the public spaces like the hallways, parking lots, vending machines and restrooms.

During this shut down, however, our building has been pretty empty. Even the building management office has been closed and management can only be reached by phone. I was beginning to fancy the suddenly “private” restroom with my choice of stalls and sinks. It was almost like I had been promoted to some high rank and given the key to the Executive Wash Room.

My days of privacy, however, have come to an end. Middle Stall Lady is back.

Let me paint a picture. This is not a huge office building. I think there are only a handful of tenants renting office space here. The second floor ladies room has three stalls. Two are regular-sized stalls and one is a larger ADA accessible stall.

Now, normally, I don’t head straight for the accessible stall in a public restroom. In my opinion, that’s like parking in a handicapped parking space when you don’t have a sticker and you’re not disabled in any way. In the case of our ladies room at work, though, it’s clear that the accessible stalls were retrofitted (this building was built in 1975…yes, I looked it up). When they installed the larger, accessible stall, the other two stalls were made that much smaller and narrower. This poses a problem for someone like me who doesn’t particularly care for confined spaces.

No, I’m not claustrophobic. I am, however, paranoid. What if I get stuck in the stall for some reason? Yes, I know that’s highly unlikely, but I have a thing about going into spaces I might not be able to get out of. I’m in pretty decent shape for a woman my age, but I’m fairly certain I can’t belly crawl out from under the door of one those tiny stalls.

Thus, I started using the accessible stall. Don’t worry. I watched and observed for a while to make sure there wasn’t a demand for that stall before I claimed it. So far, I have not observed anyone in the building who regularly requires an accessible stall. Therefore, I felt it was okay to use.

In addition to having roomier accommodations, the stall also has the added benefit of automatically flushing, thus eliminating the need to touch a handle with my hand or having to complete a roundhouse kick to flush the toilet. This has been an especially attractive option since the pandemic.

So, the accessible stall is at the far end of the row of stalls. This is also particularly helpful when one wants to maintain some measure of social distancing. If someone else comes in, they can use the first stall, leaving a stall in between. Most of the ladies on the second floor understand this level of restroom etiquette and respect it.

Most.

Not Middle Stall Lady.

Listen, I get it if all the stalls are full, sometimes you have to take a seat closer than you would rather.

But…(I like big buts and I cannot lie)…But what about when there’s NOBODY in the restroom? Or someone is occupying one or the other of the end stalls? Most people would take an end stall, or the opposite end of where someone already is.

Not Middle Stall Lady. Middle Stall Lady has staked her claim on the center stall like an Oklahoma Sooner during the Land Rush of 1889. (You’ll have to just Google that if you don’t understand the reference.)

Middle Stall Lady and I apparently have similar restroom schedules (ie: we are both over the age of 40 and have likely both had a baby or two tap dancing on our bladders for nine months at some point in our lives). Many times I have walked into the restroom to find Middle Stall Lady firmly entrenched in the middle stall. This leaves me with no choices. I HAVE to select a stall next to her, because there are only two other stalls to choose from.

This is possibly the only time in history that I miss the restrooms at Satan’s Butthole. They were massive and had no fewer than probably seven or eight stalls PLUS the accessible one. They were also plenty wide, so I didn’t have to take the accessible one in order to feel like I wasn’t trying to pee inside a gopher hole.

Of course, I have stories about the restrooms there, too. If you’re interested, you can read them here.

Anyway…Middle Stall Lady was gone for a short time during the shut down. I guess she wasn’t fully essential, but maybe semi-essential because she disappeared for about a week and a half and I was greatly enjoying my alone time in the restroom when suddenly I walked in one day and there were her New Balance tennis shoes peeking out from under the middle stall.

Damnit.

I don’t know why it bothers me so much. I mean, I get that I’m not much of a people person, but I have kids and pets so you’d think I’d be used to not peeing alone by now. Maybe the work toilet has always been my safe haven.

Now those days are over, and I’m not enjoying it.

I’m also not enjoying the added traffic on the roadways. I was getting really used to hopping on Hwy 169 or the Broken Arrow Expressway and instead of sticking to the 65 mph speed limit (or slower, because of congestion), I was able to open it up and go 85 without worry of meeting too many other cars or cops.

Let’s face it. Cops were not interested in risking Covid-19 to issue a speeding ticket. Besides, it’s evident by the much fewer numbers of accidents during this shut-down is a sign that essential workers make the best drivers and the rest of y’all need to get your shit together.

I don’t care how flawed you think this logic is. Fight me.

One of my young coworkers asked me for a ride during the shut down.

Her: Auntie, can you give me a ride to work in the morning?

(Ok…let me explain the Auntie thing. She and I used to work at the last place, the one I worked at after Satan’s Butthole, and she actually gave my name to the current place as a person they should hire, so we now work together here. Anyway, she and some of our former coworkers used to have this thing where she called them her “Work Mom” and “Work Dad”. So, being the smartass that I am, I told her to just think of me as her drunk Aunt who always comes over and ruins Thanksgiving. And thus, I am now known as “Auntie”.)

Me: Yes, I can give you a ride. How long does it usually take to get from your house to work, so I know what time to pick you up?

Her: Well, with no traffic lately, it has only been taking me about 8 or 10 minutes, but I drive faster than you, Auntie.

Me: * remembering the time I made a 12 hour drive from College Station to El Paso in 9 hours *

Also Me: * remembering the time I got a $150 ticket for driving 95 mph in a 55 zone on I-10 at 2:00 a.m. *

Also Also Me: * remembering the time I had to take a defensive driving class so my insurance rates wouldn’t go up *

Also Also Also Me: * remembering I took a Comedy Defensive Driving Test taught by a stand-up comedian, because that’s how I roll *

Ummm…yeah. It might be time to slow down and drink another Rosé float.

Stay weird, my friends. Normal is boring!