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Freak.

The Hunger Games – Quarantine Edition

By: 19 Comments

Hello, Friends. This week’s blog post is powered by a lot of coffee and carbs.

What the hell? Why am I eating like I’ve been living in a third world country for the last 6 months? I mean, I would understand if I were at home all day in Quarantine with nothing to do, because I’m the Olympic champion of Boredom Eating.

And Stress Eating.

And Eating While I Decide If I Want To Eat Eating.

I’m not at home all day, though. I still go into the office every day. So what gives?

I don’t have the answer, other than that we’re all really amped up with the overall stress of this whole thing and the constant bombardment of news stories, political jockeying to blame everything on the other side, and social media stupidity. Not to mention that even though I have the luxury of somewhere to go and something to do every day, there’s not much else to do on evenings and weekends except binge watch Dexter for the second time and stuff my face while losing myself down a rabbit hole of gore and vigilante justice we all secretly yearn for.

Or at least I do. Don’t judge me.

Speaking of which, The Husband Dude often teases me that my day job has turned me into a killjoy because of all the accidents and acts of nature I am privy to on a daily basis. The other night, during the fourth season of Dexter, we had this conversation:

Me: You know, you can’t just go into a bathroom covered in blood and clean it up with some Greenworks Spray and a wash rag. I mean, the health hazard alone is ridiculous.

THD: So how do you clean it up?

Me: There are companies that do that. You call them and they come in with their biohazard suits and masks and they clean up as much of the actual blood and contaminants as they can. Then in a lot of cases, the porous materials have to be torn out and replaced.

THD: How do you know this stuff?

Me: I’ve been paying claims for this for almost twenty years. I’ve seen the hazmat bills and the photos and talked to the people who are left behind.

THD: No way. I had no idea you do this!

Me: Well, it’s not exactly dinner table conversation. I leave it at work and don’t bring it home. When you ask me how my day is, I’m sure you don’t want to hear about the landlord I talked to who found his tenant that had been laying dead on the floor for a month.

THD: You’ve actually SEEN this stuff in real life?

Me: Well, I mean I’ve seen photos, usually after the bio cleanup has been done, and I’ve talked to people…sometimes the people who find the dead person…

THD: OH MY GOD! I HAD NO IDEA! ARE YOU OKAY???

Me: Ummmm…you’ve been married to me for twenty years. You know I’m not okay. I’m sitting here watching Dexter and eating banana bread to relax. My Netflix history looks like a serial killer’s wet dream.

THD:

So, at least now I know now that you can spend two decades with someone and not know everything about them!

AI guess the absurdity of this whole situation is what has me stressed the most. Nothing is as it should be. Casinos are closed. Restaurants are doing curbside pickups. A roll of toilet paper is worth more than a barrel of oil.

Liquor stores are essential.

Essential. In Oklahoma, y’all.

We just got 6 point beer and and wine in grocery stores here.

I mean, the rest of us knew that liquor was essential, but now the state of Oklahoma actually agrees with us.

I was standing at the gas pump the other day and actually realized how clean it was. A. Clean. Gas. Pump. I swear, it sparkled like a vampire in a Twilight movie.

As I looked away so as to not be blinded by my own reflection in the gas pump, I saw two guys get out of a truck, put on bandana masks, and go inside the store. Nobody called 911 to report a hold up at the QT.

I mean, what planet are we even on right now???

And I’m standing there, with a fucking doggie doo bag over my hand because I don’t have gloves and I don’t want to touch the gas pump that has been touched by every Typhoid Mary in the greater Broken Arrow area. I throw the Corona doggie bag away and get back in my car, using wet wipes to clean my hands because hand sanitizer is impossible to find. I’ll just wash my hands when I get to my destination.

I’m halfway down the road when I realize I am using the index finger of my Corona-gas-pump-hand to dig in my eyeball like a kid in a grab bag at a party. I mean, why don’t I just pick my nose while I’m at it?

This is it. This is how I’m going to die. Touching my face.

See what I mean about stress?

Anyway, since some of you don’t have anywhere to be or go while we’re all sheltering in place, here are a couple of Quarantine games you can play. I stole them from Facebook…my apologies for not giving credit to the creators. I don’t know who you are!

I call this first one Dungeons and Dragons – The Corona Version. Just pick your fighter and put them in an imaginary battle against your friends and their chosen fighters. The person with the best argument about why their fighter is the smartest, most clever, best protected and most offensive wins. Here are your fighters:

This next one is self-explanatory. Corona Bingo:

The winner gets to drink wine at 9:00 a.m. and wear pajamas 24/7.

Yes, that’s right. You’re all winners!

Stay weird, my friends. Normal is boring!

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Comments

  1. Thanks for the laugh…I def needed it after my husband damn near had a panic attack because one of our cats had gone into that weird interdimensional space where cats go when you can’t find them. We’ve been having our bathroom remodeled and he was afraid she’d gotten out.

    She turned up in the back of our walk in closet, looking at him like, “WTF is wrong with you?”

    Reply

  2. Omg, those photos are hysterical. Big laughs out loud!! Looks like fun. Thanks for the suggestions.

    Now I have something new to add to my routine. I’m not exactly bored after all I have reading, Netflix, coloring, grandkids to bug, more Netflix. But when I find myself staring at Big Boy for 30 minutes….while he sleeps……well I do question my boredom level.

    However, that little nose twitch is adorbs!

    Reply

  3. Unfortunately because we supply farmers, food industries and emergency services, we are deemed essential and I don’t get to drink, I mean work from home.

    A roll of toilet paper is worth more than a barrel of oil….THIS belongs in Ripleys!!

    Stay safe.

    Reply

  4. Marijuana dispensaries are essential here too! Of course that does not help my now uncontrolled snacking habit. I really need to stop. I ate a bag of chips deciding IF i even wanted chips. Turns out I didn’t, I wanted peanut butter butterscotch rice krispie treats instead.

    I’m considered essential too, so the “I’m at home and it just happens” isn’t really an excuse for me.

    Is there a point when Netflix alerts someone because you’ve watched so many serial killer shows? I’m asking for a friend of course, I’d hate for them to get into trouble 🙂

    Reply

    • I would’ve already ended up on someone’s radar if Netflix had an alert system like that. Of course, I don’t kid myself…I’m sure I’m on a government watchlist somewhere!

      Reply

      • My boyfriend said he’s sure I’m on their watchlist too. And I get upset because he gets all these cool shows suggested on his profile and mines all…. would you like to watch some more death?! I’m like no.. I need to watch idiots bake cakes for a while instead.

        Reply

  5. OMG those pictures of people trying to avoid catching covid are entertaining as shit. I am definitely winning at that bingo game. I am not eating more but my kids are making up for it- my grocery bill a few weeks ago $648. No joke.

    Thanks for the laugh.

    Reply

  6. That water bottle face mask is kind of ingenious! I take that guy! Speaking of not knowing someone for decades, Ken recently started drinking coffee after 30 years of NEVER drinking coffee. I’m sure all coffee drinkers will think I’m insane, but I hate the smell so much, and the other morning, I was so stressed out when I came down to coffee smell that I just lost my shit and threatened divorce if he ever brewed another cup. He’s drinking green tea now. What a good man.

    Reply

    • OMG…I HAVE TO HAVE COFFEE! Funny thing is, I didn’t start drinking it until I was about 40 years old. Don’t know why!

      Reply

  7. OMG thank you, those people dressed up, lord I hope the sponge the lady used is clean LOL My GF has 6 kids 5 of which were in school….. I have not answered the phone when she calls, cause she wants me to come over and her. It’s so much harder to say no over the phone. She is one of the people who was buying a lot of toilet paper, but hers was legit LOL

    Reply

  8. Kat,
    I’ve done most of what’s on the bingo card. I hate to be such a foregone conclusion, though. The dragon head is my pick unless there’s a Darth Vader mask around. Then, Darth Vader. Or Batman. Because you should be Darth Vader unless you can be Batman! God I’m going nuts! Great post! Yesterday, I saw a Haagen Daz commercial for ice cream that has brownies and liquor in it! SQUEEEEEEE!!!!!! Worth heading into the grocery store just for that. Happy Birthday to me! Also, there’s no limit on hoarding Haagen Daz is there? So glad you embrace the weirdness of the day, my friend! I’m going to have to watch Dexter next since you’re watching it a second time around. David and I have been watching Mad Men. Actually, he’s watching the NFL draft at the moment. Both of us are kind of bored with Don Draper. Also, I didn’t realize just how much of a feminist I was until we watched a few episodes of Mad Men. So I guess I’d rather be watching death and clean up on aisle 9 instead of watching Don Draper sleep through a gazillion women while feeling angsty about it as his wife is home taking care of kids and house, none the wiser. Ugh. BTW, do you know how many seasons Dexter ran? Mona

    Reply

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