But Where Are The Flying Cars?

So welcome to my first blog post of 2020!

It seems odd to say that. I really thought we’d have flying cars by now, and yes, technically we do, but I thought it would be more Jetsons or Star Trek and less The Walking Dead or Escape From New York around here.

Oh well.

My thoughts have been a tad bit reflective lately, as we are not only starting a new year, but also a new decade. This last decade has been probably the most transformational of my life thus far.

I know that seems odd to say. I mean, you would think I would say that about my first two decades. After all, there is no greater change than going from newborn to 8-year-old as I did in the 70’s or 8-year-old to 18-year-old in the 80’s. Truly, those are your most formative years in most ways.

I’m here to tell you, though, that you can completely transform in middle age, too, and that’s exactly what has happened to me.

The 2010’s did not start off well for me. My mother died unexpectedly twenty-seven days into the New Year and new decade. Talk about taking the wind out of your sails. You’re moving along thinking of all the positives ahead of you for the new year and then boom…one of the worst possible scenarios happens.

I was only thirty-eight years old and suddenly feeling like an orphan, as my Dad had died when I was twenty-two. Within a couple of years, the last of aunts and uncles died as well, leaving my cousins and me as the “oldest” generation of our family.

At forty-years-old.

Speaking of cousins, I only speak to four of them now. That also happened in this decade. You would think losing my parents would make me want to hang onto every familial relationship I could, but it actually made me able to see the big picture and release the toxic people from my life. Hence, only a handful remain.

I guess that all goes into the transformation I mentioned above. I used to be a people-pleaser. Well…that’s not completely accurate. I’ve always had a rebellious streak. If you told me “up”, my first instinct was to go down. If you said “right”, I always wanted to go left. However, I used to constantly override my instincts in favor of pleasing people. I had this constant need to be liked.

Until I did something really stupid and packed up everything I owned, quit my job, and moved to Oklahoma to marry The Husband Dude, who I had only known for about four months. I caught a lot of flack for that (not from my mother, by the way), and I firmly flipped the bird at all who disapproved and did it anyway.

I guess it worked out, because here we are twenty years later.

That was the beginning of the end of my people-pleasing days but it didn’t really blossom until after my mother died. As much as I loved my mother, she was probably the one I most sought approval from, whether it was good for me or not. After her death, I found a certain freedom in not having anyone left to please but myself.

I know how horrible that sounds, and please don’t take that the wrong way. If I could have my mother back tomorrow, and restore all the memories and experiences we would’ve had together this last decade, I would do it in a heartbeat. She was, in many ways, my best friend.

The thing is, though, that the status quo often keeps us from growing. Mom left way too soon, but maybe her final gift to me was the ability to just be who I am.

So what did I become? Nothing so different, really. I just became more able to express who I already was deep down inside. I became more honest about who I am. I became confident enough to be me and not worry about whether anyone likes it or not. I became the person I think I was at age five before life and peers and family traumas and all the other shit that happens dumped on me and temporarily changed me into someone I was never meant to be.

I was always the girl with the big mouth and a snappy comeback. I just didn’t always allow others to see her.

I always had a foul mouth too. I just wasn’t allowed to use it.

I was always a storyteller, a writer, but I focused on things that I “could make a living at”.

I no longer apologize for being a slob and being OCD at the same time, or for being a nervous driver (and passenger) or for being a homebody instead of party-all-nighter.

I have quit rebelling against “all that domestic crap” I told my mother I would never learn how to do and I have embraced the fact that I actually enjoy cooking and decorating and entertaining family and friends. Somehow, I went from the girl who brought ice to the party to preparing a six-course meal for the party.

My mother would not recognize me.

In the last decade, I have grown more independent, more rebellious, and more unapologetic. I don’t want anyone to dislike me, but if they do, that’s their problem, not mine. I don’t look for a fight, but I’ll finish one that’s brought to me.

I mind my own business more and I avoid drama like the plague, but I am also more honest. If you ask me what I think, I’m absolutely going to tell you. If you need to be told to fuck off, that’s what’s going to happen. But I’m also secure enough to compliment you too. You’d be amazed how many women can’t do that. It’s like they think life is a competition and compliments just mean you’re fraternizing with the enemy. There’s truly room for everyone at the table. Just get up and move your chair.

I still worry a lot more than I should, but I’m also a lot more gentle with myself and I’m pretty good at reminding myself that things usually work out the way they’re supposed to.

I trust people less than before, but I love much deeper than I ever did.

I try to make someone laugh every day.

I don’t keep people in my life who hurt me repeatedly. It doesn’t matter if they are related to me by blood or not. Blood no longer defines anyone as my family. Only loyalty and trust do.

So, I guess you could say that in this last decade, I’ve found a certain measure of freedom, a whole well of strength that I didn’t know was there, and a much wider scope of vision.

I’m not perfect. I don’t strive for that. I strive to be the best version of me, but I definitely still have some very imperfect traits. I still harbor fantasies of kicking a certain bitter, crazy, alcoholic cousin’s ass, but he is an old fat fuck now who resembles my grandfather, so it wouldn’t really be a fair fight. I still have moments when I wish I had the opportunity to get things off my chest to some of those toxic people, but what’s the point now?

As much as I hate drama, there’s still a part of me that occasionally likes to stir the pot and press buttons, “just to see what happens”. Maybe some day I’ll be better than that.

Or maybe not.

What’s your transformation going to be this decade?