Nymphos and Buttholes and A Happy New Year

Brace yourselves. It’s New Year’s Eve, which means you’re about to get inundated with all the “New Year, New Me” posts that seems to be so popular on the internet this time of year.

I assure you, you will not get that kind of blog post from me.

I do sometimes reflect on the past year, though, and try to glean some nuggets of wisdom. So, let’s see what I can learn from my year, shall we?

Butthole 2.0

This year I switched jobs again, after having switched jobs in 2018.

First of all, let me just point out how UNUSUAL this is for me. I worked at Satan’s Butthole for seventeen years. Before that, I was a teacher for seven years. I’m not exactly a job hopper!

I left Satan’s Butthole because they would soon be closing their Tulsa doors and I just needed to get out. That’s when I went to Butthole 2.0. It started out as a great job and a great opportunity, but quickly de-evolved into a different cheek on the same ass of what I was doing previously.

Who the fuck needs that???

So, I managed to move out of that into this new place, which will hopefully be a better gig for me. Of course, office politics are office politics, regardless of whether your office has nine people or nine-hundred people, but overall, I’m happier right now than I have been in a long time and I can see some opportunities on the horizon. So, that was a plus for me in 2019.

My takeaway: The grass may seem greener on the other side of the fence, but that may only be because it’s loaded down with bullshit.

That Time We Bought A House

One exciting thing that happened to us this year is a little impulse purchase we made in August.

A house.

Yeah. There’s definitely something wrong with us.

To clarify, we didn’t actually buy the house yet. We signed a delayed contract and put some money down to build one. The problem was, we didn’t wake up that morning thinking we were going to buy a house.

We’ve been looking at houses off and on for several years now. Our house has served us well, but it was always intended to be a temporary thing. Financial circumstances forced us to take this house and our intent was to move again once we were able to. That was eleven years ago.

So, a few years ago, I started really looking at houses, including new builds. About the time I thought we could swing it, I found out Satan’s Butthole would be leaving here and I’d be out of a job.

Buh-bye, new house!

Just this last year, I started looking again and entertaining the thought of moving. After looking at some model homes and floor plans online, I had asked The Husband Dude if he wanted to go look at models some time. He agreed. We woke up one Saturday morning and decided we needed an excursion out of the house, so we went.

Three hours later, we had chosen a lot and were picking out carpet and tile and paint colors and countertops.

As we drove home, we looked at each other and said, “What the hell did we just do????”

We just got the loan commitment back from the bank, so I guess this shit is about to get real.

My takeaway: Don’t take me shopping. I have impulse control.

A Conversation With The Husband Dude

The Husband Dude and I were watching The Dead Don’t Die on Amazon Prime the other night when we started discussing one of the characters on the show.

Me: She looks familiar.

THD: She looks like a…what do you call them? *starts pantomiming something with pointy ears*

Me: Was she one of the fairies in Lord of the Rings?

THD: * still pantomiming crazily * She looks like a…

Me: Fairy?

THD: No.

Me: Elf?

THD: A nympho!

Me:

THD:

Me: She looks like she has a lot of sex?

THD: Huh?

Me: I think you mean nymph.

THD: What?

Me: You said nympho. I think you mean nymph. A nymph is like a little fairy. A nympho is someone who wants a lot of sex. There’s a difference.

THD:

Also THD: Well, I guess fairies have to have sex too.

Me:

My takeaway: Fairies have to have sex too. Also, I’m married to a goofball.

Stay weird, my friends. Normal is boring! Happy New Year!