Satan’s Butthole – A Love Story

The Blind Date

Me: Hi…Satan’s Butthole?

SB: Yeah! Are you Kat?

Me: Yes! So glad to finally meet you. S has told me a lot about you!

SB: That’s great. He couldn’t say enough good things about you. We’ve been looking over your resumé. Very impressive.

Me: * blushing * Wow. Thanks. I don’t get to hear that very often.

SB: * looking seductively* Well someone with your background deserves to be told that. Every. Single. Day.

Me:

SB: You’re very special. Why don’t you come work for us?

Me:

Also Me: I know this is kind of forward of me…

SB: Yes….?

Me: Um….what is the compensation like?

SB:

Me: Oh yes! Yes, I do want to work with you!

SB: You’re hired! This is the beginning of a beautiful relationship.

The Courtship

SB: Just so you know…we like to take things slowly. We want to make sure you’re comfortable with things. No pressure.

Me: Thank you. I’m glad we can be honest with each other. You need to know that I have a family and my home life is very important to me. My husband and kids come before anything.

SB: Oh, we’re known for our work-life balance around here. We realize that this is your job but your family is your life. We treat our employees like they’re people, not numbers.

Me: That’s great. I’ve always wanted a job like this.

SB: By the way…what do you do to relieve stress?

Me: Excuse me?

SB: Oh, you know. Just out of curiosity…do you have an outlet of some kind? Exercising? Hobbies? Something like that?

Me: Well…yeah…I guess so. Um, why do you ask?

SB: Oh no reason. You know, we’re just concerned for your overall welfare. Now, we’re just going to show you around, have you sit with people, figure things out before we give you a big workload. No pressure.

Me: That’s great. Everybody here is so nice. I feel like I’m going to fit in really well here.

SB: You’re going to fit in quite well here.

Walking past another employee…

Me:

A few days later…

SB: How are things going? Are you feeling pretty good about your role here?

Me: Yes. I’m starting to get the hang of it. I just needed to ask…

SB: That’s great. You know, we have so much faith in you and you’ve been doing such a great job, we feel you’re ready for more responsibility.

Me: More responsibility?

SB:

Me: Ummm…I thought we were going to take things slowly? Things are moving kind of fast now. I don’t know if I’m ready for this…?

SB: I know we talked about going slowly and just seeing where things go, but what can we say? When things are right, you just know. And we really think things are right between us, you know?

Me:

The Proposal

SB: So, we have an anniversary coming up, you know.

Me: Yes, we sure do.

SB: Pretty amazing, right? Do you feel like things have been going well?

Me: Well, mostly yes, but….

SB: We’re so glad to hear you say that because there’s something important we need to ask you.

Me: There is?

SB: Yes. You know…we’ve cared about you for a long time. We invested a lot of time and money training you, developing you, offering you opportunities to advance your career. We’ve given you sick days and vacation days that have continued to roll over and we’re about to give you more. You’ve had a couple of raises and your evaluations have been pretty good, right?

Me: Ummm…yes…

SB: What we’re about to ask you is going to require some commitment to fully come to fruition. We want to spend the rest of our lives with you and give you something to remember us by forever…

Me:

SB: Kat…will you vest yourself in our retirement fund?

Me: Oh my Gosh! Yes! Yes! I will stay and collect a retirement fund from you in thirty years!

SB: You’ve made us so happy. Now, we’re going to need you to work some overtime…

Me:

The Honeymoon Is Over

SB: We noticed your numbers have slipped this quarter.

Me: I’m sorry. I guess I’m just feeling a little rundown, what with all this mandatory overtime and all.

SB: Look, that’s no excuse. Everybody is working the same number of hours and there are people running circles around you.

Me: Yeah, but they’re twenty years younger than I am and they mainline Monster Energy drinks.

SB: What’s your point, Kat?

Me: Look…I just kind of need a break. Do you think I could take a day off this week? It doesn’t have to be our busy days like Monday or Friday. I could do middle of the week. I just need a breather.

SB: What do you think this is?

Me: A job?

SB: No. You made a commitment! You said you would be here and you need to be here. If you wanted this Tuesday off, why didn’t you ask for it back in January when everybody was putting in for their time off?

Me: Ummm…because that was seven months ago and I didn’t know I’d be exhausted this week and in need of a mental health day.

SB: Well, your failure to plan is not our problem. *Looks at watch* Shouldn’t you be getting back to work?

Me: Well…I still have three minutes left on my break…

SB: Oh really. And what are you going to do on your break? I suppose you’re going to look for another job, aren’t you?

Me: No. I would never do that. I love you.

SB: We know you look at Indeed.com when you’re on your lunch hour.

Me: Wait. How did you know that?

SB: We know you can’t be trusted so we watch everything. We know everything.

Me: You’ve been spying on me?

SB: We watch you because we can’t trust you. If you were a better employee, we wouldn’t have to watch your every move.

Me: But…I’ve never actually gone and interviewed for another job. I…I just look sometimes. I would never leave you. What can I do to make it up to you?

SB: We think you need to go back to your desk and think about what you’ve done. And while you’re at it, take a few extra phone calls.

Friends and Family

Friends and Family: You mean to tell me that SB accused you of cheating?

Me: Emotional cheating, I guess. I told them I would never actually interview with anybody else but they didn’t believe me.

F&F: You know, I thought SB was a good thing at first, but it’s getting toxic. They’re verging on abusive and they’re gaslighting you.

Me: But they’ve done a lot for me. I feel guilty for not feeling more grateful…

F&F: Honey, you need to be Janet Jackson.

Me: What?

F&F:

Me: Yeah, but I don’t think I could go anywhere else now. I’d probably have to take a pay cut. And what about my retirement? I’m vested now.

F&F: They’ve put the Golden Handcuffs on you. How much abuse are you going to take before you decide it’s time to get out?

Me:

It’s Not You; It’s Us.

SB: So we’ve called you all in here for a meeting to discuss the status of our relationship. We think you’ve done great job, but we’re looking to go in a different direction.

Me: A different direction?

SB: Yes. We’ve been unhappy here for a while and we’re looking around and seeing all these young guys who are up and coming and they’re trying to knock us off our throne. We’ve been re-evaluating things and we just think it’s time to stretch our feet a little and go find ourselves.

Me: Go find yourself? What is this? A midlife crisis? Can’t you go buy a sports car and dress inappropriately for your age like everyone else???

SB: No, no. It’s nothing like that. We just…need some space.

Me: Space??? Are you breaking up with me???

SB: No. Of course not. Ummm…unless…you know…you want to leave?

Me: Why would I want to leave? Have you not figured out how loyal I am to you? My friends and family trash talk you all the time and I defend you. Then you turn around and do this?

SB: Oh, please don’t be mad. We’re not going that far away. You could come with us!

Me: I can?

SB: Yes! Of course you can! You just have to post for the position you want and be approved. And possibly interview again…

Me:

The Breakup

Me: We have to talk.

SB: What is it?

Me: You know how you said you were leaving to find yourself and that I could maybe possibly go with you?

SB: Yes.

Me: I’m not going with you. This is my home now. My friends and family are here and our relationship has been really rocky the last couple of years. I think maybe this should be the end of the road for us.

SB: Well…can you leave today?

Me: You’re not going to ask me to stay a little longer? Because I can…

SB: Nah. We’re good.

Me: You realize you’re going to have to pay me for all my unused vacation…?

SB: No problem. Make sure you turn in your ID before you go.

Me: So…that’s it?

SB: That’s it.

Me:

SB:

Me: Ok

Stay weird, my friends. Normal is boring.