A Week I Could Actually Handle

Back at Satan’s Butthole, they used to love to solicit “suggestions” on how to improve everything from efficiency to workplace environment.

Not that they ever actually followed the suggestions, but you know, it looks good on paper.

It was around this time last year that I got inspired by the suggestion board and decided to come up with a few of my own suggestions. It seemed worth reposting, so here you are. Enjoy!

Memo To: All The Peons

From: Faceless Corporate Management at Satan’s Butthole (well, actually it’s from the Faceless Corporate Secretary to the Faceless Corporate Management, on behalf of them)

Re: Suggestions For Improving The Workplace Experience

As you know, at Satan’s Butthole, we believe that employees who enjoy coming to work will serve our customers better. In addition, we understand that employees who are satisfied with their workplace environment will stay with us, thus enabling us to retain talent.

In that spirit, we have set up an electronic suggestion box, if you will. It’s a bulletin board on our company intranet where you can post suggestions and ideas for ways we can either be more efficient or achieve a more harmonious workplace. If your idea is implemented, you’ll receive recognition in our company newsletter and a “spotlight” award of $25.

Thank you for all you do.

Sincerely,

Faceless Management Pretending To Care

Day One

I’d like to suggest Margarita Mondays. – Peon in XYZ office

Peon, thank you for your interest in our suggestion board. Unfortunately, alcohol during work hours is strictly prohibited.

So is smoking, but everyone walks across the street and stands under the tree to smoke anyway. You even put a receptacle out there for the butts because the city fined you for all the butts ending up in the waste water system. We could set up a keg out there, and people could go help themselves.

Only on their designated breaks, of course.

We appreciate the input, Peon, but we cannot allow alcohol to be consumed on or around our premises and we cannot allow our employees to drink during working hours. This isn’t Mad Men.

Day Two

I’d like to suggest Taco Tuesdays. – Peon in XYZ office

Thank you for your suggestion. Unfortunately, your office cafeteria has closed so we are unable to accommodate that request.

Oh I didn’t mean in the cafeteria. I meant hiring a taco truck to come every Tuesday.  I know one that sells Margaritas too, so we could kill two birds with one stone. I found them last summer at a street festival. They were actually leaving and I chased that mofo down the street like a fat kid chasing the ice cream truck.

The Husband Dude says he’s pretty sure I broke a sprinting record and I could win gold at the Olympics if there’s ever an event where you run three city blocks waving a five dollar bill in the air.

We appreciate your input, but it would not be economically feasible to hire a taco truck every Tuesday. Our policy on alcoholic beverages hasn’t changed since your last suggestion.

Day Three

I’d like to suggest Wet T-shirt Wednesday. – Peon in XYZ office

Thank you for your input, Peon, however “Wet T-shirt Wednesday” would violate our dress code as well as our sexual harassment policy. Imagine how violated our female employees would feel if we allowed such an event.

I wasn’t talking about the women doing it. That would be wrong. Just the guys.

That would still violate our policies, and frankly, we don’t see how it would be any less offensive by having the men do it.

Have you seen some of the self-righteous asses walking around here? Grown men wearing shirts a size too small so we can all see the outlines of their pecks and their six-packs? They’re DYING to show off their bods to anybody who will look.

I mean, seriously, you know these are the guys at the gym who grunt extra loud during each rep and make sure their weights “clank” when they’re done working out just to call attention to themselves.

I had to break up two braggarts one-upping each other by my desk a few days ago. I said, “I don’t give a damn how big either of your bass boats are and I could give two shits about how many miles you ran yesterday. Here’s a ruler. Why don’t you just go ahead and whip your dicks out and get this contest over with so the rest of us can get on with work?”

“Also, keep the ruler. I don’t need that shit back when you’re done.”

Trust me, these guys would love to participate in a wet T-shirt contest so we can all see how hard they GTL.

What exactly is GTL?

Gym. Tan. Laundry. Don’t you watch Jersey Shore?

We’re sorry, Peon. Wet T-shirt Wednesday is a no-go. Also, we may have to meet with you regarding your suggestion to two coworkers that they measure their…ummm…privates.

Oh, it’s ok. I told them to wait for their designated break times, of course.

Yeah….that’s not how this works. That’s not how any of this works…

Day Four

I’d like to suggest Throwdown Thursday. – Peon, XYZ office

Ok, Peon. We give up. What is Throwdown Thursday?

It’s Fight Club for corporate employees. No rules. Just two people mano a mano, beating the living shit out of each other.

On a designated break time, of course.

You know this violates our zero tolerance policy for violence, right? Not to mention violating the hostile work environment policy. Not to mention how illegal this is.

But don’t you see? We don’t force anybody to do it. It’s strictly voluntary.

Pissed off at a coworker who threw you under the bus? Now you get to settle the score. With fists!

Angry at your supervisor for that bad evaluation? Pissed off at that lazy ass underling? A couple of right hooks and jabs will make it all better!

If you want to make it flashy and add an element of wrestling entertainment to it, we could have the Ad Services guys bring in some tables and ladders. Or maybe just some old furniture to break up. Very cathartic.

Do you understand how much is wrong with that suggestion? Can you imagine the lawsuits?

There would be no lawsuits.

How can you guarantee that?

Easy. The first rule of Throwdown Thursday is, you don’t talk about Throwdown Thursday.

That would be a hard no.

Day Five

I’d like to suggest Fuck It All Friday.

Ok, you know that name is already offensive and there’s no chance we’ll designate a day like that.

I’m telling you, this day would improve morale 150%! First of all, the word Fuck is pretty cathartic. You throw that word around a few times and you can already feel the endorphins coursing through your body.

There’s something seriously wrong with you. How long have you worked here?

Just hear me out. Everybody always acts different on Fridays anyway. You know what I’m talking about.

The casual attire crosses the line into Saturday-morning-at-the-Waffle-House-chic. People are a little more jokey, even the serious sticks in the mud are cracking smiles.

Hell, half the supervisors don’t even show up because they’re “working remotely” from their laptops and “call me on my cell phone if you need me”.

We all know that’s code for, “I’m laying out by the pool. Don’t call me unless the building is burning down, and even then, that’s what 911 is for.”

There’s always somebody bringing donuts and sausage rolls, or having a full-on food day. Fridays are always just a little more casual and light-hearted. I’m merely suggesting we take it a step further.

We’re really afraid of what you’re going to say next.

What if we could back to the days when teams would take turns going out on “team building” exercises when we just had fun forming relationships with each other outside of the office? We used to do things like miniature golf, bowling, movies, team lunches.

What if we could go back to the days when someone would make a run to Sonic during “happy hour” and come back with slushies and limeaids for everyone?

What if we could go back to the days when we knew our coworkers and our supervisors well enough that we could pull silly pranks on each other and get a laugh out of it and nobody was offended because we knew which lines we could cross and which ones we couldn’t?

What if we could talk to each other about a particularly difficult case and four or five people could stand in the aisle and hash it out without feeling like Big Brother was going to squash us at any moment?

What if we went back to the days when if you felt completely stressed out, you could toss a football back and forth down the aisle for a few minutes? I threw a perfect spiral one time. The only one of my life.

What if we went back to the days when I wrote funny memos to the whole department letting everyone know it was my turn to clean out the refrigerator and you better claim your food or it’s going in the trash?

What if we went back to the days when we could determine when we needed a break and we could go to lunch at the same time as our friends and spend forty-five minutes talking to other human beings about something besides work? And we got our work done and those who didn’t were addressed individually.

What if we went back to the days when we were human beings instead of numbers and we could treat our customers that way too? We built relationships with each other and with our clients and it worked for something like eighty years.

And we call it Fuck It All Friday because even though we’re made to be robots now, we have that one day where we can remember what it was like back in the day when we first hired on here and this was THE place to work.

* crickets chirping *

Hello…?

Beuhler?

Beuhler?

Day Six

Memo To: All The Peons

From: Faceless Corporate Management at Satan’s Butthole (well, actually it’s from the Faceless Corporate Secretary to the Faceless Corporate Management, on behalf of them)

Re: Suggestion board

We feel the suggestion board has outlived it’s usefulness; therefore, we are discontinuing it. We appreciate all the input.

Now get back to work. It isn’t your designated break time yet.

Stay weird, my friends. Normal is boring.