Eff It Friday – Monday Continues Edition

When we last left our heroine (not to be confused with heroin, because that would be weird), she was knee-deep in Monday and adulting bullshit and she pretty much capped off the day like this…

Now we join her for the rest of her week as the saga continues…

Tuesday started off at 5:00 a.m. C.S.T. with a cat landing loudly and fatly (look, I know that’s not a word, but it is today) on my arm as The Husband Dude proclaimed, “Here, snuggle with Mama…I can’t make my lunch because of your bullshit.”

You may be asking why THD was making his lunch at 5:00 a.m. on a Tuesday morning. That would be because ever since Oklahoma decided to pull off the greatest imitation of the Titanic ever and gloriously slip into the sea like Leonardo DiCarprio being pried off a floating door by Kate Winslet, THD and the other Parks Maintenance Dudes at the City are working a different schedule. He has to be there at 6:00 a.m. rather than his usual 7:00, thus lunches are being furiously thrown together before the ass crack of dawn.

Apparently, the cat had other ideas and this threw off THD’s Morning Mojo© to the point he thought his sleeping wife should entertain the kitty in question.

At 5:00 a.m.

After the longest Monday in history.

Yes, he’s still alive, but probably only because I don’t function at full capacity prior to my second cup of coffee.

Tuesday was mainly a day of catch-up (as opposed to ketchup, because that would be weird) for all the things I was unable to complete Monday due to the shit show that was the beginning of my week. I managed to leave work on time in order to take Shane mattress shopping.

Ah yes…mattress shopping. That thing you have to do but don’t want to do because who wants to spend their money on necessities? Do you think I would buy food if I could live with out it?

Okay…I probably would. I’m a fatass, after all. But seriously, if food was a luxury and not necessary for living, I probably wouldn’t buy as much of it. Except for cake.

White cake with buttercream frosting. But I digress…

I fully braced myself for the onslaught of salesleaches, and lectured Shane on not making a beeline for the most expensive bed in the place. I realize that furniture stores are not quite in the realm of car lots, where haggling is not only expected, but welcomed. However, I am the daughter of the guy who talked Kmart down on the price of a black and white TV and who never paid sticker price for ANYTHING, so I know there’s always “wiggle room”.

I lectured him on this because of the time The Husband Dude and I went to buy our first car together. I knew exactly what I wanted, which is the LAST thing you want the salesperson to know. The Husband Dude made a beeline to the exact car I wanted.

“Look, honey! It’s blue and has leather seats!”

Me:

So when we got inside, Shane naturally made a beeline for the most fluffy, comfortable looking, expensive mattress and threw himself on it like the Okie that he is, staking claim on a piece of land.

Like father, like son.

Anyway, I immediately told the salesman what my budget was, and after he wiped the look of profound disappointment off his face, he shuffled us over to the mattresses that we could actually afford.

After negotiating a mattress that didn’t break the bank, I asked about delivery and that’s when things got a little shady.

“We have a delivery service, but on something this small, we usually have the warehouse guy do it and it’s much cheaper.”

So, now I’m not sure who is going to be arriving at my house on Friday afternoon with a twin mattress and box springs, but I’m picturing a guy named Guido pulling up in a nondescript rape van that he uses to deliver mattresses and haul away dead bodies in rolled up carpet.

Apparently, I have to give him $30 cash when he arrives.

I guess this also means I have to actually clear a path upstairs for him to bring in the new mattress and carry out the dead body old one. The adulting never stops.

I don’t really have an ending to this story, so I’ll just do some gratuitous promotion instead.

The Melanie Mug in my Zazzle shop is now available in a Jumbo Mug size for all of us who need a little extra caffeine, or something stronger surreptitiously mixed in with the coffee. It comes in white with black lettering or white with rainbow color lettering (just in time for Pride month!) You’ll find them both at the end of this post.

Until next time…Stay weird my friends. Normal is boring.