I Think I’ll Build A Taller Fence

I’m usually late to the party when it comes to apps, social media platforms and technology in general. I had been hearing about this NextDoor App for a while, and finally decided I should check it out.

For those who aren’t familiar, NextDoor App is an app for your smart phone that sort of acts as a neighborhood bulletin board. You can post announcements or want ads or lost and found items on it. It’s kind of a cool idea.

Cool idea.

The execution of the idea…not so much.

See, the problem is that in order for the app to function and for people to be able to exchange information, they have to allow comments under each post. As you well know, and as I have documented here in previous posts, we are in the midst of an Imbecile Apocalypse that can only be cleansed with fire, so you can imagine what the comments look like on any given post in the NextDoor App. 

See, now you not only get to see the stupidity in the world with Facebook and Twitter. Now you get to see the stupidity on your street with NextDoor App.

This is why I have a privacy fence, people.

The stupid posts can be broken down into categories. Here are some of the highlights:

The What Was That Sound Posts

“I just heard a loud boom/pop/random noise in the area of (fill in name of intersection here).”

You have all the “me too” comments.

Then all the experts:

“Gunshots. Definitely gunshots.”

“Transformer blew. Everyone in the (fill in name of neighborhood) neighborhood lost power.”

“Car wreck. I witnessed it myself.”

And then there’s always some smart ass…

I mean…how can there be so many answers to one question? Obviously, nobody knows what the sound was, but everybody thinks they’re an expert on it.

Annoying.

The Suspicious Lurker

“FYI…I just saw a suspicious man/woman sitting in his car/ringing doorbells/walking around/looking in back yards/staring at a house. Beware!”

The problem with this post is that half the time, the person posting doesn’t even get a good description of the Lurker or their vehicle.

“Man between the ages of 18-95, height 5’0-6’0, weight 95-300 lbs, looked white. Or Hispanic. Or African-American. Maybe Native. Could’ve been Asian. Wearing a gray hoodie and blue jeans. Or maybe a red t-shirt and khakis. Driving a late model sedan or crossover SUV or maybe a 1970’s truck. I think it was gray. Or tan. Or blue. License plate was definitely maybe Oklahoma. On second thought, it might’ve been a woman…”

Thanks, Karen. You did a military belly crawl to your front window and stared at him for thirty minutes from behind the safety of your outdated drapes, and you were able to type a ten page novella on NextDoor, but you couldn’t snap a photo with your phone? Or get a license plate number? Or an actual GODDAMNED DESCRIPTION?

I mean, based on the info you’ve provided, we could be looking for Prince or Jake from State Farm®, either one of which might be driving a stolen soccer mom’s mini-van or the General Lee.

Lost Pets

This is the main reason I joined NextDoor. I wanted to be able to help look for lost critters in the neighborhood and post whenever I see any wandering fur kids, because we seem to have an abundance here.

If you thought everyone was an expert on sound identification, you should see how many fucking zoologists, veterinarians and code enforcement experts there are out there.

If you post a picture of your pet that’s lost, you’re probably going to get at least one comment about how you should’ve done a better job of keeping them locked up, because “there are leash laws in this city”, blah, blah, blah.

Gee, thanks Sharon. I never thought about putting a six foot privacy fence around my yard with a padlock on the gate to keep my dog in. Never even crossed my mind! So glad you’re here to tell me that my cat, who has never been outdoors in his life, is also supposed to be on a leash if he walks out my open front door by mistake. Kudos to you for keeping Broken Arrow safe from my eleven pound house jaguar.

You’re also going to have people who post lost pets but instead of looking for their rightful owners, just want to give away a “free” dog or cat.

“Found this little guy today but can’t keep him. Free to good home.”

First of all, Becky. He’s not YOURS to give away for free. Considering the picture looks like he hasn’t missed a meal lately, he probably just got loose from somebody. Second of all, how the hell do you know the home he’s going to is “good” or “bad”? Considering you just posted him as “free”, you aren’t exactly ensuring the cream of the crop will respond. What’s your vetting process? My guess is you don’t have one.

Luckily, there are lots of actual animal lovers out there with a response.

“Did you check for a chip? He might belong to somebody.”

The answer is, no, Becky has time to take a photo and post on NextDoor App, but she doesn’t have five minutes to drive to the nearest vet’s office and check for a microchip. She’d rather deal with the public at large responding to her “free” ad for an animal.

Fucking idiots.

The Unsmart People With Smart Phones

You have to love the posts asking a general question. I’m not talking about people asking for recommendations for restaurants/maintenance people/repair companies/mechanics/doctors. These are legit questions about services that you want to have good references for. I’m talking about people with such soul-gripping, burning questions as:

Are the storms today supposed to be severe?

Why did (insert name of school) School have a virtual day today?

Are they picking up our trash today?

Ok, Sheila. Now you’re just being lazy AF. The app is “NextDoor”, not “Google”. In the same effort it took you to type out your whole question, post it, and then read the wrong answers, you could’ve just looked up the answer. Instead you now have to sift through comments from people who want to bitch about the fact that Junior got to stay at home and do his school day online instead of in class, or how dare the City take a holiday off and throw off the whole trash schedule, and you’ll get twenty different weather reports.

This isn’t a freakin’ Almanac Sheila….not that you would know what that is. Clearly, you didn’t have a teacher for a mother like I did. All of my questions were either met with another question or were answered with, “Look it up and tell me what you find.”

We didn’t have Google or Wikipedia, either. We had to crack open books called Encyclopedias which required us to have a serious grasp of the alphabet in order to know which one to look in, in the first place. My “Google” took up a whole shelf at the library and didn’t have any information in it that was newer than the moon landing.

I have no use for you and your lazy-ass questions on NextDoor. Get a weather app and fuck off.

The I Am A Clueless Twat Posts

I save my favorite category of post for last because you all know how much I love stupid people. These posts are the ones that can only be described as proof that the human race is taking the express lane to extinction.

So remember how last week Oklahoma was alternating between blowing away and drowning? When the Arkansas River exceeded its banks and took over the sports complex where my son used to play baseball, the City started warning everyone in the surrounding neighborhoods that water in their streets and homes was imminent.

As a precaution, officials urged residents in the neighborhoods closest to the river to voluntarily evacuate. On the day they expected things to start getting bad, they announced they would start sounding the flood sirens at a certain time and sound them every thirty minutes to an hour after that. And by “announcing”, I mean holding news conferences on TV that were covered by all the local news stations and radio stations. All those stations posted stories on their Twitter and Facebook accounts. The Tulsa World newspaper posted stories online as well. The City posted on their website and all the local social media accounts like “BA Buzz” and “Only in Oklahoma” posted stories too.

In other words, there was literally an inundation of information about the flood sirens, what they sounded like, how they differed from tornado sirens, when they would be sound, why they were doing it. YOU COULD NOT ESCAPE THE INFORMATION EVEN IF YOU TRIED.

Apparently, some of you tried.

All of a sudden, on NextDoor:

“What are those sirens? What do they mean?”

“Is that a tornado siren? Why does it sound different?”

“Is there a storm? Why does it keep going off?”

Me:

Y’all make me tired.