Eff It Friday: People Suck Edition

Have you heard of the term “ghosting”? It’s relatively new and has nothing to do with The Brady Bunch episode where the boys all donned white sheets to scare the girls during their slumber party.

Ghosting is defined by the Urban Dictionary as “When a person cuts off all communication with their friends or the person they’re dating, with zero warning or notice before hand.”

Dude. It’s a shitty thing to do, under any circumstances.

I’ve had people cut off relationships before, but there was some warning ahead of time. There was a final discussion in which one or both of us have decided things can’t go any farther and there isn’t much else to say. Or, at the very least, there have been issues ongoing and one or both parties realized there wasn’t much left to do but stop talking to each other.

It’s a whole different story when things are seemingly fine and then somebody just up and disappears! It’s alarming, to say the least.

Well….I can now say that I’ve been officially ghosted. Fortunately, it was not by an intimate, but it was by somebody I had started to let into my circle. If you know anything about me, you know that the “circle” is a pretty tight one that has a pretty high, thick wall and not just anybody is allowed to waltz into it.

I don’t trust or like people by nature. I can’t explain it, but I’ve always been wary about others, from the time I was a small child. When I do make a friend and actually call them “friend”, it’s kind of a big deal for me. It means I really trust them on some level that I don’t trust others. It means I reveal details about my life to them that I don’t reveal to others. It means I care about them and what happens to them on more than just a “I care about humans in general” caring.

The online writing/blogging community is huge, but there are a lot of smaller groups that have come together in support of each other. We meet through social media and social media groups, we start reading each other’s blogs and other writing projects, we commiserate about how HARD it is to break into writing as a means of earning a paycheck. We offer each other encouragement and we check in on each other, because for many people, writing can be a lonely business.

I was fortunate enough to form a bond with a core group of bloggers last year. We read and commented on each other’s blogs and we formed a Facebook group. We even promoted each other and collaborated with each other on projects. We shared a lot of laughs and any time I saw someone in the group struggling, or they saw me struggling, we would reach out to each other.

So imagine my surprise when one of these core blogger “buddies” disappeared like a fart in the wind.

No heads-up. No “hey guys, I gotta take a break for a while” or “I won the lottery…peace out, muthafuckas!” or “Y’all suck a bag of rocks…I’m out!”

Just…

Really????

I should preface by saying that I did notice his blog was gone and I messaged him right away asking if everything was ok. He seemed appreciative and told me he had decided to focus on paying gigs instead of the blog, which wasn’t providing any income.

Hey, I get it. He quit his day job to focus on writing for a living, so his wife was hustling to keep things afloat while he worked on his dream. If he had the opportunity to make some money, there’s no reason to focus on something that is more of a hobby.

Everything was cool. Or so I thought.

Not long after, I realized I hadn’t seen a Tweet from him in a while. While my Twitter account is pretty neglected (as in, call the Twitter DHS and have me thrown in jail, then give my account to someone who’ll care for it because I suck as a Twitter account holder), Twitter was actually this buddy’s bread and butter for promotion, socializing and networking. He had built a pretty huge following.

I tried to go to his account page and got a message that I was blocked from seeing it.

Ummm…

I messaged some other members of the group. They all went to check and had the same result.

So, then we got worried. What if something happened to him? Like many of the members of the group, this buddy suffers from anxiety and other issues.

Hell…name any creative person, and I’ll show you a laundry list of “issues” we all have. It seems to be par for the course.

So, I think many of us were worried that something had gone off kilter and there was a real crisis at hand.

No.

One of the members of our group finally got hold of him. She happened to have his phone number because they actually met up together “in real life” and had lunch. His response was frustratingly vague.

There was no explanation of anything. He said he didn’t “think anybody would notice.” He posted on this friend’s blog that he had deactivated all of his accounts and he was sorry if people took it as a personal affront, as that was the furthest thing from his mind. “I hope everyone’s blog dreams come true.”

What in the actual fuck???

Did he really just blow us off with, “Yeah, I’ve got shit going on and none of you really matter to me anyway but here, I’m going to be semi-polite”????

AFTER EVERYTHING????

Dude, we were seriously ready to call 911 and make sure you weren’t standing on your roof, threatening to jump off. Your response made us FEEL LIKE SHIT, FREN.

Do you know how many people I’ve allowed to guest post on my blog besides you?

But “nobody will notice” you’ve dropped out of everything?

Narcissistic and self-absorbed are two adjectives that come to mind.

Would it have killed you to send a DM to at least one person to “pass the word” so we wouldn’t think you’re lying in a ditch somewhere???

I mean, seriously, Dude…there are people in this group who have to take cocktails of pills to control the fact that they are anxious about the fact that they can’t control anything, and you left them (and me) hanging…

So, so, so disappointing. I’m not going to lie. Our group had a group discussion about it and the comment thread got worse and worse as we went along, as it tends to do when people are expressing how they feel and feeding off each other’s energy. Not my finest moment…but I also didn’t say anything I wouldn’t say to his face. It was the fact that I didn’t get to say it to his face that probably led me to air it out in a semi-public forum.

All this is to say that…PEOPLE SUCK. Adding to that, the biggest cliché in the world: It is what it is.

Given that, the tiniest of crumbs thrown at us acknowledging our worry and validating we were right to care, would’ve been nice. It didn’t happen. It’s not going to happen. Since I don’t have much tolerance for lack of courtesy or adults who act like emotionally stunted teenagers, I just have to forge on with those who are still in my circle.

So, let me address those of you who are in my circle. We may not be best friends. We may not even talk to each other on a daily basis. But if we’ve ever messaged each other, or if I’ve ever expressed concern for you on a social media post, or if I’ve chosen to interact with you on a regular basis, then you are in my circle. If we’ve never met “in real life” but I’ve interacted with you in some way for five, ten, fifteen or twenty years (yes…there are those too!), then you are in my circle.

And those of you on the waaaaayyy inside of my circle (you know who you are)…this is for you too.

I just want you all to know that I care about you. Life is busy and we can’t always spend two hours talking or give every minute detail of our lives to each other, but I still care. If I see you struggling, I will reach out. If I ask about you, I’m not being nosy. It’s because I want to make sure you’re ok and I’m willing to listen if you’re not.

Ok, maybe I’m a little nosy.

JUST DON’T FREAKIN’ DISAPPEAR ON ME!!!

I will take it hard. I will take it personally. Because I care. I really do. I’m not your Mom and I don’t need a blow by blow of why you’re checking out or taking a break. I just need a “Hey, I’m fine. I just gotta take it easy for a bit.”

And I’ll be here when you come back. Because I never forget a friend. Even if I haven’t spoken to you in ten years. We can pick up where we left off. Just let me know you’re alive and well. That’s it.