Pre-Burned Tots And Other Modern Conveniences

Dear Tater Puff Company,

I felt the need to write to you and commend you on your gallant use of modern technology to streamline the tater tot cooking process.

One could say that you hit your zenith with the invention of the cook-then-freeze method of packaging that allows me to just tear open a package, drop a bunch of ice cold tots on a cookie sheet and bake them in the oven for twenty minutes rather than wash, peel, dice and roll potatoes into some kind of mushy pouf shape before dropping them into scalding hot oil to cook. You practically invented a method for us to mainline our deep-fried carbohydrates.

For that, fat-asses everywhere are extremely grateful.

I really thought we had hit the pinnacle of modern laziness convenience with this process. I really thought the next step would be food replicators like they use on Star Trek where I could just walk up to this panel in the wall and say…

I really thought that was the next step, but I was wrong.

So, so wrong.

Imagine my surprise to find out that the next step in potato pioneering is actually pre-burned tots!

I found out totally by accident. There I was, grilling my hot dogs without nitrates (because I’m healthy like that) on the George Foreman non-stick grill with the plates that detach and go into the dishwasher (more modern convenience!!!), when I set my oven to preheat and tore open the package of off brand tater puffs The Husband Dude purchased at Aldi.

Because we’re cheap frugal.

You can only imagine my shock when I dumped the contents of the package out onto the pan and found these:

No, they aren’t fossilized cat turds, but thanks for asking! No, my dear potato purveyors, these are burnt-to-a-crisp tater tots that were frozen and packaged among the regular-looking tater tots.

All I could think of, as I stared down at the pile of crunchy brown potato pellets, was that this, THIS, is the ultimate in convenience foods. THIS is going to save us all so much time. THIS is the wave of the future.

You, Potato Puff Company, have invented the first pre-packaged, frozen, pre-burned tots.

You have now made it possible to save time in trying to burn my own food! I no longer have to forget to set my timer and then get distracted by kitten videos on Facebook important matters that pull me away from the kitchen until the smoke alarm goes off and I remember that I have a pan full of food in the oven!

I no longer have to wish that my golden-crisp tots, with just the right amount of crispy-crunch on the outside and tender potato flakes on the inside, tasted like the briquettes out of the bottom of our grill, because you’ve conveniently included those in the package! I no longer have to long for the faint smell of burned potato flesh or the tooth-breaking crunch that accompanies an overcooked tot, because here it is!!!

Of course, I did what anybody does when they discover something new and exciting. I posted it on social media to let everyone know that I was a beta tester for this soon-to-be-everywhere product. The reaction was disappointing.

There was a lot of:

And this:

And this:

Clearly, my friends and family don’t understand the pioneering vision that you and I share. They’re just jealous that they didn’t come up with the idea of scraping the ugly bits from the bottom of the fryer and packaging them for sale! I’m sure people scoffed at the idea of a restaurant just selling fried chicken, but the Colonel laughed about that one all the way to the bank!

So, I would, in all sincerity, like to thank you for allowing me to sample the future of Spuds that are Straight Outta House Fire! Your faith in my ability to see past the gross crunchy mess and to visualize a future where we don’t even have to burn our own food is heart-warming.

I know you’re probably still working out the kinks, so I promise not to share your secret with anyone, except the couple hundred friends on my Facebook page.

And my blog readers.

And their friends who they share my blog posts with.

We salute you, Tater Puff Company!