I Wasn’t Even Day Drunk

I have made many impulse purchases over the years. Clothes. Shoes. Handbags. Kitchen gadgets. A gym membership. And then my all time record of a brand new range, washer and dryer when all I went to the store to buy was a dishwasher and microwave.

Until now.

Yesterday, I went in for a regularly scheduled dental cleaning and ended up buying an entire Invisalign Orthodontic treatment for Shane. I wasn’t even day drunk!

I guess I should explain Invisalign to those who may not be familiar with them. Invisalign is a system of orthodontics that utilizes clear dental aligners to straighten your teeth.

Let’s compare Invisalign to the braces of my youth. I had to go in and have impressions made of my teeth using that nasty goop they put into dental trays and then you have to bite down on it until it hardens to form an impression of your teeth. Just what every ten year old wants to do! Then they used the moulds to figure out what kind of wires and brackets and rubber bands and other torture devices they needed to put on my teeth for the next two years. I would have to come in once a month for them to be tightened, resulting in a sore mouth for the three days following my appointment.

Shane will go in and they will do a scan of his teeth using computer Star-Trek-grade shit that looks like what we all imagined 2019 would look like. Using the scans, they will then use a 3-D printer to create clear trays that he will wear most of the day and night but that he can pop in and out when he needs to eat or brush his teeth. He’ll change the trays out weekly and visit the dentist every three weeks for checkups for less than a year.

Apparently, the future is now.

We’ve known for a while that Shane needed orthodontic treatment, but shitty-ass dental insurance and the fact that braces are cost-prohibitive made me put if off much longer than I probably should have.

The Husband Dude’s employer changed dental carriers, though, and even though our health insurance is still shitty and covers nothing in addition to a high deductible, we have some of the best dental coverage out there now. So, I had seriously started to think about taking Shane to the orthodontist to find out what the cost would be and how much would be covered.

Then I strolled into my dentist’s office yesterday and saw a sign that read, “Ask us how to get $800 off Invisalign!”

I’m female, y’all. I’m also the offspring of the King of Cheap™. It’s a given that I adore a bargain and I rarely pay full price for anything (remember that impulse purchase of a washer, dryer and range? Totally got a discount for buying so many appliances…and a scratch and ding discount to boot!)

The sign said ask, so I did. If you paid the full amount not covered by insurance rather than financing it, they would give you $800 off your out of pocket cost. The catch was, that it had to be paid in full by Wednesday for the discount.

Okay…but how much is my out of pocket cost? Well, it appears that my kick-ass new dental coverage is as kick-ass as it’s supposed to be. All the previous carriers I’ve ever had only ever paid a lifetime max of $1,000 for orthodontic treatment, which, by the way, isn’t even a third of the cost of most orthodontic treatments. This new carrier is paying half the cost. So that, less the $800 left me with only about thirty percent of the bill to pay out of pocket.

I’d like to take this opportunity to thank the Catholic high school that denied Shane entry to their “we don’t have the resources to help students who are not planning on going to college in a cookie cutter type profession” establishment. Thanks to years of planning on my part, thinking he would be attending that school, I had a nice little nest egg from which to pay for Invisaligns.

I’ll send a copy of my receipt the next time the diocese asks for yet another financial contribution, with a note that says I already donated to Our Lady of Toothus Straightus.

The dentist asked if I was sure Shane would wear the trays. After all, if something is removable, it’s really easy to just not put them in and wear them like you should. Lord knows, teens are all about not doing what they’re supposed to.

He will wear them or die. And after I kill him, he will get a job and pay me back for the treatment. So, yes, he will wear them.

On a side note, I’d like to make two observations about my dentist’s office:

1. Nearly everyone who works there is blonde (whether natural or bleached).
2. The receptionist at the front (who is NOT blonde, by the way) was exceptionally smiley and happy and may or may not have gotten hold of the laughing gas. Just sayin’.

Until next time…Stay weird, my friends. Normal is boring!