Conversations With The Husband Dude (Volume 3)

How was everybody’s St. Patrick’s Day weekend? Show of hands…how many of you are still hungover?

Mine was good…kind of quiet. We celebrated on Main Street on Saturday night and watched a friend of ours play with his band. I’m not a beer drinker, so I stood in line for a frozen margarita, but after 20 minutes in line and only moving two steps forward, I decided it was time to find something else. We ended up at a wine vendor that had frozen sangria, which was REALLY good, so all was not lost. 

The actual day of St. Patrick was our wedding anniversary. We lounged around in our pajamas, drank coffee, then went out for a late lunch of steak and potatoes. It’s not really Irish food, but considering we ate a really cheap ass steak at a two bit restaurant in Joplin, Missouri after our actual wedding, this was a considerable step up!

We spent the rest of the afternoon driving around and looking at neighborhoods. After eleven years in a house that was supposed to be temporary, we’re finally in a position to start thinking about moving again. We were looking at a new neighborhood that is just being developed and it just so happened to be across the street from the neighborhood where we built our first house. We drove over to have a look and had the following conversation:

Me: I don’t know if I want to live in Wagoner County again.

THD: Why not? The taxes are cheaper.

Me: I wasn’t crazy about the rural water situation before. The sanitation was run by a private company, not the City. That was sometimes a pain in the ass too. And the police response time was not great…

THD: What are you talking about?

Me: Don’t you remember those people that lived across the street from us? They used to get into fights? What were their names?

THD: Oh, yeah, yeah. Lenora and Burt (not their real names). Lenora “let’s mow the lawn in our spiked heels”, right?

Me: Yes! Them! Who mows their lawn wearing stilettos? What was she doing…aerating the yard with her shoes?

THD: (nods) After a hard night of working the pole…

Me: Well, do you remember the time that Burt went off his meds and punched a hole in every wall of the house and ripped the kitchen cabinet doors off their hinges? And Lenora took off with the kids, but we didn’t know it? And Burt jumped in his car and drove off like a crazy man, running over the curb and hitting a mailbox?

THD: Yeah. I remember that now.

Me: Do you remember how we all went out in the middle of the street and one of the neighbors said they had called the police but our neighborhood was so new that nobody knew whose jurisdiction it was? The Broken Arrow Police said we had to call the Wagoner County Sheriff and the Sheriff said we had to call Broken Arrow? And an hour and a half later nobody had showed up? I mean, Lenora and the kids could’ve been dead or dying inside the house and nobody would’ve known because nobody ever showed up to help. 

THD: Yeah. I remember now.

Me: I mean, I want to know that when I dial 911, there’s going to be someone showing up to my house in just a couple of minutes. Not after my house has burned down or the home invader has killed everybody. Ya feel me?

THD: I hear ya. Except we have constitutional carry here now so you can kill the home invader and you don’t even need a license.

Me: Well maybe I want the Sheriff here quick so the guy doesn’t bleed out on my brand new carpet.

THD: I thought we were getting tile that looks like wood. 

Me: Oh yeah. You can mop that shit. Easy clean up. 

THD: You know Burt only had one nut.

Me: Now how in the hell did you know that???

THD: He told me once. It was synthetic too.

Me: He had a synthetic nut?

THD: Testicular cancer.

Me: Wow. I guess I never knew they made synthetic nuts. But why would they give him only one? Wouldn’t that be like doing a double mastectomy on a woman and then only giving her one fake boob?

THD: Maybe insurance only covers one synthetic nut.

Me: Do you remember the time at Shane’s baseball game when Chuck (not his real name) wore shorts instead of jeans? And you said something about Chuck’s white legs? And then later you said that would be a great band name: Chuck’s White Legs?

THD: (snorting) Yeah…I remember.

Me: You know what else would make a great band name?

THD: What?

Me: Burt’s Synthetic Nut.

THD: (laughing) LIVE AT THE CAIN’S BALLROOM…BURT’S SYNTHETIC NUT!!!

Me: (laughing) WITH SPECIAL GUESTS…CHUCK’S WHITE LEGS!

THD: That’s metal AF!

US:

Me: I could probably move back to Wagoner County. I’m going to have to learn to be a better shot, though.

THD: And learn how to mop.

Me:

THD:

Until next time…Stay weird, my friends. Normal is boring!