Nineteen Years But Who’s Counting?

On Sunday (St. Patrick’s Day), The Husband Dude and I will have been married nineteen years. Well, give or take a couple of years where we actually got divorced then got back together and “lived in sin” for a while. We don’t count those years as “non-marriage” years because even when we were living in separate households, we saw each other every day and co-parented, and living together unmarried was every bit the same as living together married.

So, yeah. Nineteen years.

Our first wedding and all of our milestone weddings since then have resulted in really bad weather. It poured rain on our wedding day back in 2000. On what would’ve been our tenth anniversary (and the day we got remarried after our divorce), there was an ice storm. I’m pretty sure our fifteenth was cold and rainy. I can’t wait to see what kind of natural disaster we have on our twentieth.

This year, however, is not a milestone and we have no real plans, so the weather is going to be a beautiful sixty degrees and sunny.

You’re welcome.

I don’t have anything profound to say about marriage. I mean, we even got divorced from each other once, so clearly we’ve had our bumps along the way. I feel like we only got into a really good groove these last few years, and that may have everything to do with ADHD medicine (his) and therapy (mine).

Well, that and the fact that we both had a goal of finishing this thing together, even if it kills us. We were both willing to work on our baggage, and that’s key, because if one party is not willing, then it’s all over.

I wrote a blog post last year that I think sums it up for me, so I’m going to repost it today. I’ve got nothing profound or romantic to say. Just the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. 

So help me, Saint Patty!

Marriage Is Not A Facebook Post

I’ve had to have more than one conversation with my son about how social media is not real life and that people post the parts of their lives they want you to see. We’ve talked about the fact that people (usually) post the best things and not the day to day boring/sad/difficult parts. I’ve tried to explain that when you see someone and they look like their lives are more fun or more fulfilling or just better than yours, it’s often just an illusion created by this online world we’re all now part of.

The same needs to be said for those of us in relationships, and marriage in particular.

I’ve written and rewritten this post at least three times. Each time it comes out sounding trite and cutesy and very cliché. It’s supposed to be a post about marriage.

Unfortunately, what I’ve been writing has not captured what marriage really is. It’s like when you talk about your wedding versus talking about what marriage is. They are two totally different things.

Your wedding is this beautiful, romantic day full of hearts and flowers and sweet words and moments.

Marriage is some beautiful, romantic moments full of hearts and flowers and sweet words and moments.

Mostly, though, marriage is day to day boredom, random episodes of poop and vomit, lots of arguments and spats and all out war, kids, pets, in-laws, work hassles, money issues, birth and death and lots of other crazy stuff.

In other words, marriage is just real life, only with a partner you’ve agreed to share it with.

Well, when you put it that way, Kat, it sure doesn’t sound appealing.

Anyway, my point in writing this is that I think in this day of social media, we are often made to feel badly about ourselves and our relationships because all we see is what other people want us to see. We see the pictures on vacation, having fun in the sun. We see the fancy meals, perfectly arranged on the plate in a symphony of colors and flavors. We see the kids having fun at the zoo/aquarium/birthday party/whatever. We see the perfect holidays with decorations and food and fun and extended family and in this imaginary world, nobody ever gets drunk and walks out slamming the door or starts arguing about politics and sibling rivalries don’t exist.

What do we NOT see on social media? We don’t see the giant puddle I had to soak up from the carpet because my elderly dog couldn’t wait for us to get home from work.

We don’t see the kid’s birthday party where one child stripped off his swimsuit in full view of all the guests and another one threw up all over the sofa from eating one hot dog too many. (I swear, this is the only party I ever threw that involved nudity and vomiting and not one drop of liquor was involved!)

We don’t see the time I spent five hours at the emergency room with my mom only to come home to a sick five-year-old who threw up in his bed and an angry Husband Dude who had to chase the dog through the mud behind the house because she decided to jump the fence and take a midnight stroll at precisely the moment that the five year old was getting sick.

But that’s marriage. Just as much as the hearts and flowers and champagne. More so, really.

And the fights. Oh my God. The fights.

They’re so stupid sometimes. Somebody left their socks on the floor one too many times. Someone threw away something the other one was keeping even though it really did look like trash at the time. Somebody told a joke at the other one’s expense. Someone got mad about something, and that made the other one mad too.

Someone ate the last piece of Halloween candy after an actual wrestling match for the bag of candy.

Or maybe that’s just us.

You see that picture of the smiling couple on Facebook, enjoying a lazy day at the lake. What you don’t see is the two day road trip that consisted of a lot of yelling about someone’s driving and more yelling about how this would be the last road trip ever. 

You see the picture of the roses that got delivered to work but you don’t see the arguments over whether you’re going to put on pants and go out on a Saturday night or whether you’re going to stay in and order pizza for the millionth time.

You see the date night pictures at the Mexican restaurant but you don’t see the interruption by a phone call, announcing that your teenager is being escorted from the high school football stadium for trying to start a mosh pit.

Or again, maybe that’s just us.

You see a lot of things, but you don’t see the whole picture. And marriage is a very big picture.

I don’t want to make it seem like marriage is a horrible institution. Obviously, it’s not or people wouldn’t do it. But my point is that we should not all feel like somehow our relationship isn’t up to par because it doesn’t look like the perfect layout on Instagram.

The good things about marriage are not the grand gestures. The good things are not gallant marriage proposals at the beach or the wedding itself or the speech he makes in front of everyone at your anniversary party.

The good things are those small things that happen every day. Things you might miss if you’re not paying attention. Things that don’t get posted on social media.

The good things are those inside jokes that only you and your spouse share.

The good things are those times you actually do finish each other’s sentences, and not in that gooey, saccharine-sweet way they write about in romance novels. It’s more in that making-fun-of-someone-or-something-else-kind-of-way and you both-realize-you’re-kind-of-an-asshole-but-you’re-married-to-an-asshole-so-it’s-ok-kind-of-way.

The good things are those times you’re laying in bed in the dark making each other laugh by saying the same stupid thing over and over again. Just your laughter makes the other one keep laughing too.

The good things are when you have an argument but she brings you a Cherry Lime Aid anyway. Or he writes you a message in the snow on your car. Or you reach for each other’s hand out of habit.

The good things are giving each other a fist bump when your kid says something to make you realize you raised him right, in spite of the insanity that your lives sometimes feel like. And you did it together.

The good things are when you’re able to be the strong one for your partner because they can’t do it in that moment. You’re able to cry with them and hold them. You’re able to be what your partner needs, and it makes your relationship stronger.

The good things are those things that are just for the two of you, like always saying, “See you later” because you refuse to say “goodbye” to each other.

I can’t speak for anybody else. I can only speak for me and my relationship. My marriage is a constant parade of the daily grind, mixed with the occasional fun night out, sprinkled with the occasional nuclear argument, interspersed with tragic blows and huge, magical moments.

I don’t compare myself or my relationship with what I think I see online. I’m too busy trying to work with The Husband Dude to keep our shit together, because that’s what it all boils down to: working together to keep your shit together.

A few weeks ago, THD left for work without kissing me. That’s unusual for us. It’s kind of our thing to make sure we always leave each other with a kiss and an “I love you.”

I had that brief moment where I sort of felt sorry for myself and thought, “Damn. This where the flame dies out and we just don’t even go through the motions anymore, right?“

Then I gave myself a proverbial kick in the ass because that’s total bullshit. I sent him a text.

Me: Did you leave without giving me a kiss???

THD: Yikes! I thought I did. What time do you get back to the house?

Me: 7:30

At 7:35, the doorbell rang. It was The Husband Dude. His work truck was sitting in front of the house.

THD: I forgot my wallet.

Me: You did?

THD: (pulls his wallet out of his pocket and winks at me) Yeah, I forgot my wallet. (He gestures to his coworker in the truck)

I laugh. Of course he wasn’t going to tell his coworker he had to come back and give his wife a kiss. But he found a way to do it anyway.

That’s marriage too.

You really can’t capture that kind of moment on Facebook.