Who Is Hoarding All The Daylight???

It’s that time of year again, y’all. Daylight Savings Time.

Those of you in Arizona can just skip this post. Or read it. I’m too sleepy to care.

On Sunday, we “Sprung” forward an hour, meaning we “lost” an hour. The whole “spring forward” and “fall back” thing gives me a headache. Especially when I just sprung forward and lost an hour of sleep and feel like I should still be in bed, or at the very least getting my first cup of coffee and enjoying kitten videos instead of having to have deep thoughts.

I’m not sure why this is still a thing. I get that a hundred years ago when this sort of thing gained traction, it helped out farmers who needed daylight to work their crops and it helped people conserve fuel for lighting their houses. But here’s the thing…

IT’S TWO THOUSAND NINETEEN AND WE HAVE THINGS LIKE ELECTRICITY. I also happen to know that if a farmer gets a wild hair up his ass that he needs to work more than the 12 hours of daylight currently available, John Deere makes tractors with headlights now. Just sayin’…

I also get that people prefer having more daylight later in the day so that they can enjoy outdoor activities during the warmer months. I’m down with that. I like to come home from work and float around in my redneck swimming pool and prefer not to do it after dark when the mosquitos and other insects see me as a tasty fat chick buffet.

But why do we have to go back and forth? Is there a reason we feel like we need to torture ourselves twice a year? Let’s just pick a time and stick to it! (Again, I refer you to Arizona.)

As if my case of the Mondays wasn’t bad enough with the time change, I was just starting to feel the life-injecting heat of my second cup of coffee when my bank called. Apparently, someone was trying to use my debit card to charge “Grab” in the Philippines and also to eat something in a restaurant in Texas.

Since I haven’t been to Texas in over two years and I’ve never been to the Philippines, we all know these charges are bogus, so they had to cancel my card and I had to leave work early to go into the bank branch to get a new one issued. I didn’t have the five to seven business days for them to mail one because literally EVERYTHING in my life is connected to that card and without it, nothing gets paid. Plus, all my utility bills are due this week and I pay those by phone, using the card. 

Which leads to the next pain in the ass…having to update my card number on all my accounts. Paypal is the biggest one but there’s also Amazon and some others. I discovered that even though I had no intention of buying anything on Amazon that day, but knowing I COULDN’T because I didn’t have a working debit card, hit me hard. 

Kind of like going on a diet and knowing I can’t have a white cake with buttercream frosting. I never eat white cake with buttercream frosting unless it’s served at somebody’s birthday, but if it is placed on the no-no list, I want white cake with buttercream frosting! Same thing with Amazon, apparently. I may not need or want to shop for anything right now, but for that duration of time that I couldn’t, I JUST WANTED TO!

By the way…if you’re wondering what “Grab” is in the Philippines, I Googled it because I didn’t know either. I looked it up and this is what The Googles said:

“GrabTaxi Holdings Pte. Ltd. is a Singapore-based technology company that offers ride-hailing, ride sharing, food delivery service and logistics services through its app in Singapore and neighbouring Southeast Asian nations Malaysia, Indonesia, Philippines, Vietnam, Thailand, Myanmar, and Cambodia.”

So apparently, my debit card is trying to get a ride to work somewhere in the South Pacific. 

Yay.

The charge wasn’t much…apparently only around $9.00. So practical. If I stole somebody’s debit card number, I’d at least go to Costco or something and buy a fifty-five gallon drum of ketchup and a couple of bales of toilet tissue. I mean, if you know you’ve only got the numbers for a limited time before somebody notices, why not stockpile some shit?

In addition to Daylight Hoarding Time and The Great Philippino Heist, I decided this week would be a good time to get back on my clean eating and working out. I’ve mentioned before that three years ago, I had VSG (Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy) to help with weight loss. It pretty much saved my life, but I hit a plateau and two years later, I haven’t worked as hard as I should to break that plateau and hit my goal weight. 

Those carbs, man. They just BEG to get in my belly! Just see the example above of the cake with the buttercream frosting.

I dusted off my workout shoes and had to search for my Beachbody app on the Amazon Fire, because it had been a minute since I used it. Which reminds me…that’s ANOTHER account I have to update with my new debit card info.

I had to log back into MyFitnessPal to journal my food and I’m pretty sure I got a banner that said, “Welcome back, fatty” but I wasn’t totally awake yet at four a.m. (which was really three a.m. pre-springing forward) and I didn’t have any caffeine in my body yet, so I may have misread that message.

My other motivation for trying to finally make it to my goal is that The Husband Dude has his forty year high school reunion in June, and he never misses a milestone reunion. When we went for his thirty year reunion, they had a contest to see who had the youngest spouse and he won. I beat out another youngish bride by six days. I feel like this set a precedent and I kind of have to show up looking hot. Or hotish. Or warm at least. 

I may be the “younger woman” but it’s all relative. I’m still a forty-seven year old with no uterus who takes hormones and works at a job where I sit for 9 hours a day. Maybe instead of hot, I should just settle for room temperature.

Thank God for Spanx and push-up bras. Between those, my dyed hair, acrylic nails, and synthetic hormones, I’m as fake as a three dollar bill. I may have to get eyelash extensions to complete the ensemble.

Until next time…

Stay weird, my friends. Normal is boring!