Memo To The C.E.O. Re: Sick Day

MEMO TO: C.E.O. of Satan’s Butthole

FROM: Kat (former peon and doormat)

Dear Sir,

As I woke up this morning with a head more congested than I-35 in Dallas during rush hour, with lanes shut down for construction (which, incidentally, is ALL THE FUCKING TIME), I got that gnawing feeling in the back of my brain. You know the one. Or maybe you don’t, because you aren’t held to the same work metrics you subject your employees to. 

I’ll break it down for you.

It’s a gnawing sense of dread that starts in the back of your mind and slowly works its way down to the pit of your stomach. It’s a dread that comes from knowing what happens when you get sick. 

It’s a sense of dread that comes from “points”.

Ah, yes. Points. You see, points are usually a good thing. Points are what you want when you play virtually any sport. Except golf, but that’s a rich person’s sport, so I guess it makes sense that it doesn’t make sense.

Points are NOT a thing you want at Satan’s Butthole. If you get so many points in a “rolling six month period”, you get levels of punishment:

• First set of points means a stern “talking-to”, which roughly translates to an awkward discussion with your manager where they apologize profusely for having to talk to you like you’re a petulant child, but they are trying to keep their job too, so they have to do it.
• Second set of points means a “write-up” in your “shield” which is just a fancy word for some mystery file that we never actually get to see but is housed somewhere in the bowels of the Human Resources Department. While we’re on the subject, I’d like to add a picture to mine:

• After a write up I’m not really sure what happens. I think they take you to a room and water board you or shine a bright light in your face and make you confess to shit you didn’t do.
• When you reach twenty points, you “win” and get to exit the building permanently. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200.

At Satan’s Butthole, there are ALWAYS opportunities to earn points:

• Bad accident on the expressway makes you fifteen minutes late? 1 point
• Your kid’s school calls you at lunch time because he fell off the swing and has to go to Urgent Care? 2-3 points
• You woke up hurling last night’s dinner like you were possessed by a demon? 4 points
• Your close family member just went through a devastating miscarriage and has to have surgery but you’ve been told that being there is considered a “want to” not a “have to” and there’s no time available on the calendar so they suggest you go ahead and take your 4 points since “you don’t have that many points right now anyway”.

I really wish I was making that last one up. I’m not. It really happened.

Oh, I don’t want to make you all sound like total hardasses. You did have a generous vacation system. I had built myself up to four weeks a year. The problem was, you couldn’t just take vacation when you needed or wanted it.

You had to put in your vacation for the entire year in January.  Vacation time was first come, first served. Picture The Hunger Games only you’re on a computer and you’re trying to “kill” each other by taking that Friday before Spring Break.

Then, you had to put in separately for the holidays you wanted off. Holidays were based on your tenure plus your rating on an evaluation three years ago when they said that was the rating that was basically going to count for the rest of your life, and you didn’t suck up to your boss or give him a blow job so now you’re stuck with a “2” instead of a “3” and that’s how you work seventeen years and get a worse shift than the annoying little bitch who has been here three years and has announced loudly to a table full of working mothers that she’s going to quit anyway when she gets pregnant because working instead of staying home with your baby is somehow child abuse.

Again, I wish I was making this shit up.

So, this is where the shady crap starts happening. One continuous absence (up to five days without a doctor’s note) constitutes one “occurrence”. So, if I have to call in sick and take four points, but I can stay out the next four days after that and still only get four points, what do you think I’m going to do? If I’m taking a hit, I’m going to make it worth my while, dudes. 

And then the really sketchy shit happens. Oh…I didn’t get the day before Thanksgiving off? Or the day after? Guess what? I just caught the flu on Monday. Four points for a week’s vacation at Thanksgiving.

Not that I would know anything about that.

Oh, I get it. You have to really buckle down on those people that have taken advantage of your kindness and generousity for too long. People take advantage of the system and drag the whole team down. 

Blah. Blah. Blah.

Here’s my suggestion: Address the individual problems with the individuals who create the problems.

I know! Mind blowing stuff! Such an innovative idea! I’m really thinking outside the box here! I mean, who ever heard of punishing the culprit instead of punishing everybody? 

Like, I know corporate America is so much like the movie “A Few Good Men” that maybe you think if we all get punished, we’re going to call a “Code Red” on the person who is perpetually calling in sick or coming late and we’re going to “handle the problem” by stuffing a sock down their mouth and beating the shit out of them in their bunk.

But…um…that’s just a movie. The only thing that happens with your blanket approach to fixing the problem is that you grow a very resentful workforce, and they resent YOU, not the coworkers who created the problem to start with. 

But back to my sick day. I woke up feeling congested, running a fever, all that good stuff. That dread kicked in. Do I call in? Do I suck it up and go in, spreading the virus to all my coworkers? What do I do?

And then I remembered…I don’t work for Satan’s Butthole anymore. 

I texted my boss: I think I’ve caught this upper respiratory crud going around. Woke up feeling like crap and running a fever. I won’t be in the office but I’ll be on my laptop doing some work.

His response: Ok. Take care of yourself.

Damn. It’s nice to be treated like a trustworthy adult. 

You might try it with your employees some time. 

Sincerely,

Not Calling In Sick At Thanksgiving Anymore

Not that I would know anything about that…