Message To The C.E.O. Re: Talent Crisis

MEMO: To the CEO of Satan’s Butthole

FROM: Former Peon and Door Mat

RE: Talent Crisis

Dear Sir,

I realize I no longer work for you, but a recent news article I read online persuaded me to reach out. And since I don’t work for you any longer, I feel we can be on a first name basis. Am I right? You may call me Kat. I will call you Dick.

Dick, the online article I read started with the headline: “Insert-name-of-industry-here Faces ‘Talent Crisis'”

That’s rich, isn’t it?

The article blamed low unemployment and more retirements for the “crisis”.

Dick, you and I both know this is bullshit. Let’s have a Maury Povich moment and read the results.

Dick, you and I both know what is causing this crisis. At least at Satan’s Butthole, anyway. It’s you.

I mean, I get it. You treat everyone like a number because that’s all you know. I mean, who has time to deal with actual people when there are secretaries to chase around the desk?

Sure there are a lot of retirements right now. Forced ones. I mean, who wouldn’t want to uproot and relocate their whole lives after thirty years with the company to a city that is bigger, has shittier traffic, and is not affordable to live in? Or better yet, relocate to Bumfuck, U.S.A. where corporate headquarters is.

Now you can not only feel the light dying inside yourself, but you can enjoy watching 20,000 of your fellow Bumfuckians slowly die inside too.

We can all be a herd of Walkers, wandering aimlessly around Starbucks in our khakis.

You see, it’s not so much the relocation, it’s the fact that we would have to relocate AND deal with the bullshit you’ve wrecked this company with. Having to plan vacations and time off a year ahead of time. Forcing us to compete against each other for desired holidays. Accruing “points” for calling in sick or having to stay home because your child is sick. Putting time limits on conversations and situations that require…well time! Time and finesse and that little thing that used to be known as “customer service”.

I know. I’m using big words. Customer Service is that thingy we used to do back when we actually wanted to keep our customers and have them recommend us to their friends and family. Customer service is the thingy we used to do back when we wanted people to keep spending their money with us, and buy even more products.

Yes, let me tell you a story about how we used to care about people so much we tried to make them happy! Let me tell you about this crazy little time when we were trained how to speak politely on the phone and answer questions and listen to stories about their cat’s gall bladder and their husband’s constipation if we had to, until we could find an opportunity to gently steer the discussion back to the matter at hand.

Let me introduce you to the concept of a conversation that lasts longer than 12.5 minutes, and your name didn’t end up on a whiteboard for everyone to shame you into cutting your conversation time short. 

Seriously. What the fuck did I go to college for? I enjoyed my $8.00 per hour job at the bookstore much more and I didn’t have to have a degree to work there. I got to read all the books I wanted and sell them to people. 

The article I read suggested that companies in the industry are going to have to be more competitive in pay and benefits to make it worth people’s while to stay. Well, that might be true, but I’d say making working conditions better would go a lot farther. 

Look, none of us grew up dreaming about being in this industry. Seriously. There was not a Call Center Barbie in my toy box as a kid (telephone headset and crushed soul included!). When I played the board game “Life” with my brother, I don’t remember spinning the wheel and landing on “You called in sick and had a flat tire in the same six month period…get written up because we’re not treating you like a professional”. 

Most of us fell into this job. It provided a decent living and, at one time, a pretty good work environment with good benefits. At one time, you not only bragged about “Work/Life balance”, you had posters about it hanging up all over the office.

When we trained for this job, the company made us read a biographical book about the founder of the company. He was a simple man with a brilliant idea and he built the company up from nothing into the largest company of it’s kind in the United States. He treated his employees like family and they were very loyal to him. He didn’t tolerate foolishness.

You’re as foolish as they come.

Let me tell you something, Dick. If he rose up from the dead today, he’d slap you like the bitch you are and throw you out of his building.

 

Can you smell what The Rock is cooking, Dick?

You see, Dick. The industry isn’t having a “Talent Crisis”. It’s having an “Our employees aren’t going to take our shit anymore” crisis. 

People I know that worked for Satan’s Butthole for decades have moved on to other things like opening their own businesses, going back to school to learn new skills and change careers, and some have gone to work for the competition.

Yes, that’s right. All that money Satan’s Butthole spent on training, continuing education classes, industry designations, etc? Yeah. Your competition is now reaping the benefits of it. We’re working for them and we’re telling anybody who will listen. 

So you just keep scratching your heads and trying to figure out how all of this happened. Form a think tank and spend millions of dollars researching how to fix it. 

Then you can remember that things worked pretty well for eighty-five or ninety years before you came along and fucked it up. 

Sincerely,

Everyone who has worked for you these last five years.