Killing Me Softly With Christmas Carols

Dear Santa,

I hope this new Christmas season finds you well. I’m sure things are really starting to get crazy at the North Pole, so I’ll try to get right to the point with this letter.

I know I’m a little old to be writing to you, but seeing as how the last time I wrote to you when I was nine, you failed to deliver on my request to be a rich and famous actress/model/business woman, I think you owe me.

I mean, you didn’t even deliver on any of the stuff I NEED to be a rich and famous actress/model/business woman. I have stage fright. I’m short and fat. I have a terrible head for business. What the hell, Santa?

I think you’ll find, though, that my needs are much simpler now, though. I don’t care as much about that material stuff. My wants this year are more about people than things. Here’s my list:

Please Tell People There’s No War On Christmas

I mean it, Santa. Every time I open my social media, I have to read yet another complaint about how Starbucks’ holiday coffee cups are too generic for all the God-fearing people in the land. Are we really this bored as a country that we’re worried about overpriced and yet spectacularly delicious coffee being served out of red and green cups that GASP don’t actually say “Merry Christmas” on them???

We live in a country where retailers put their Christmas decorations, gifts and goods out on their shelves well before Halloween, but somehow there’s a war on Christmas?

Somebody tell that to my Jewish friends who have to shop on one end cap at Target for their Chanukkah decorations while listening to “We Wish You a Merry Christmas”. I’m sure they’d love to hear about how Christmas is getting “pushed out”.

Like every good war, I’m sure there will be songs, anthems, stories and iconic photos to remind us all of the brave men and women who fought so hard for their jingle bells.

Please Let Everyone Know Happy Holidays Isn’t An Obscenity

Santa, I know this one will be tough, but please do something about people who are Grinchy and can’t accept a nice greeting from other people.

You know the ones. The people who get offended when you say, “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas”.

Yes, Santa. There are people who actually get offended when other people take time out of their busy lives and schedules during the crazy hustle and bustle of the season and offer a warm greeting. Can you believe that shit?

I never understood that. I grew up in a Christian household where we were taught the whole birth story of Jesus alongside the whimsy of Santa Claus and Christmas trees and not once did I ever hear my parents get offended when someone told them “Happy Holidays”. They just smiled and said “Happy Holidays to you too”. 

When I asked my mother why people said “Happy Holidays” she told me it was easier than saying, “Have a Happy Thanksgiving, Merry Christmas, and Happy New Year”. She said it kind of encapsulated the whole season and then she went about her day, minding her own business.

Can you imagine? People being nice to each other and then minding their own business? Truly a lost art.

Please Kill Elf On A Shelf

Santa, if you do nothing else this holiday season, please kill this creepy MOFO:

Thankfully, this stupid tradition started AFTER I no longer had kids young enough to “believe”. We already had you, Santa. We had you seeing us “when we’re sleeping” and knowing “when we’re awake” so we’d be “good for goodness sake”. You were like Homeland Security without the waterboarding.

Now we’ve got THIS creepsauce watching our every move and moving to different locations around the house every night so we can find him in hilarious little scenarios. For what? For the purpose of being good in the month of December?

In my day, we didn’t have the threat of “Elf on a Shelf”. We had “Welt From a Belt” and it was good for twelve months out of the year if we were little assholes.

Please, Santa. I’m not trying to be a Grinch. This little dude is just creepy!

After You Kill Elf On A Shelf, Please Kill 24 Hour Christmas Radio

When I was a kid, it was a treat when a Christmas song came on the radio. At Christmas time, the radio stations would usually play one every fourth or fifth song. It got you into the spirit without burning you out.

But we don’t live in a country where “less is more”. We live in a country where “more is more”. We live in a country where small, medium and large are not enough. We have to Super Size everything.

We live in a country where Black Friday started off as sales on the Friday after Thanksgiving. Stores would open at normal times. Then they started opening at the buttcrack of dawn. Then it was midnight. Then it was 6 p.m. on Thanksgiving evening. Now it’s “Black Friday” all week long, followed by Small Business Saturday and Cyber Monday.

Because we want more. And apparently, “more” means some radio stations become twenty-four hour Christmas stations before Thanksgiving even happens.

Remember the song “Killing Me Softly”? That’s how I feel about Christmas music now. You’re killing me softly with your songs. If I could run Grandma over with a reindeer myself, I probably would.

Also, I don’t need to hear Band-Aid sing about Christmas time in Africa anymore. Back in the 80’s everyone jumped on the African famine bandwagon. It started with Bob Geldof putting together a little song called “Do They Know It’s Christmas?” and getting a bunch of British artists to perform it and release it as a single. Then, the Americans had to jump in with “U.S.A For Africa”. And then there was “Live Aid”.

I get it. It was the “cause” of the 80’s. My Freshman class in high school even adopted “Do They Know It’s Christmas” as the song we sang at the annual Christmas assembly.

I just don’t need to hear it twenty times this holiday season because every radio station is playing it now because the 80’s are back.

“There won’t be snow in Africa this Christmas time”.

No, there won’t. Because there never is. Unless you live on Mt. Kilimanjaro or one of the other mountain ranges. It’s Africa, for crapsakes.

Yes, Santa. I know. After this letter, I’m sure I’ll just get a lump of coal in my stocking. Is it too late to go back to wanting to be a rich and famous/slash model/business woman? Asking for a friend.

Sincerely,

Kat a.k.a. Angel Who Swears

P.S.  Here’s the Hanukkah Song. Just for laughs.