A Basic Blog Post

If you spend much time on the Internet, then you know what “Basic Bitch” means.

For those that are not in the loop, I offer you the definition from Dictionary.com:

Basic bitch is a term used to condescendingly refer to women who have predictable or unoriginal style, interests, or behavior. The term has been criticized as misogynistic, though it has been reclaimed, to some extent, by women who have been labeled basic bitches.

Um. This pretty much defines ANYBODY WHO HAS FOLLOWED A TREND IN THE LAST 100 YEARS, BUT OK!

So the reason I bring this up is that one of my blogger buddies, Katie from Fatty McCupcakes, had a funny post last week about an escapade to Starbucks and she called herself “Basic”. So I posted this meme on our group Facebook page Dungeon of Loom:

By the way, you don’t have to be a blogger to join. If you just like reading blogs and have an inappropriate sense of humor, it’s a fun place to be!

Anyway, that’s when my blogger buddy, Allen from The Midnight Goose, joked that Katie should blog about “Basic Bitches”.

Well, I hope I’m not stepping on any toes, because that’s what I’m writing about today and I’m here with a confession:

Hello. My name is Kat and I’m a Basic Bitch.

Yes, you heard me. I love Pumpkin Spice.

Not on everything, mind you. Like, I have no desire to try Pumpkin Spice Lays or put Pumpkin Spice in my chili recipe (my home state of Texas would take away my lifetime citizenship for that!). But I might try this:

I also live in furry UGG type boots all winter. Notice I said “UGG type”, not UGGs. I actually wear Bear Paw brand. Because in addition to being Basic, I’m also Cheap.

To be fair, I’ve previously discussed my size 7 ½ extra wides that make me look like a hairless Hobbit. The Bear Paws are about the only warm shoe/boot that are comfortable enough to put on my XXLs without rubbing blisters or making me go postal due to discomfort.

This baby sasquatch pretty much lives in flip flops and Bear Paws with a month or two of carefully vetted sneakers in between the hot and cold seasons.

So if pumpkin spice and cheap UGG knock-offs make me Basic, then I’m your Bitch!

But I get it. Trends have a tendency to wear out their welcome. Remember these boots a couple of years ago?

They were REALLY popular. It seemed like everybody had a pair. I remember helping one of the independent adjusters at Satan’s Butthole find the best price for a pair for his wife for Christmas. (On a side note, I’m the online shopping Queen, which probably also makes me Basic). I found them on sale, located a coupon, and even turned him on to Ebates so he could get money back on his purchase. Woo!

(You can learn more about Ebates below.)

Well, the next year, all the ladies broke out those boots again. I mean, after all, if you’re going to drop that kind of loot on boots, then ya better get more than one season out of them!

So I’m sitting there at work in my Bear Paws (because MK doesn’t make boots in Baby Sasquatch width), amongst a sea of MK boots. One of the guys walked by and sarcastically mumbled, “I never realized so many people rode horses in the English Countryside!”

Not going to lie…I really wish that was my line! I may abscond with it!

Yes, abscond. My taste in latte and boots may be basic, but my vocabulary is not, despite how much this blog goes against everything I learned in English class.

Despite my apparent “basicness”, there are a few “basic” trends that seem to be popular amongst middle class white women around my age that you will NOT find me doing. Here’s a short list.

Watching 50 Shades of Grey. I apologize in advance to those of you who are fans. I absolutely hated the book and couldn’t even bring myself to crack open the sequels, so I’m sure as shit not plunking down actual money to watch the movies. I know people found the books sexy and provocative, but I was unable to get past the writing skills of a 13 year old who had somehow watched a bunch of BDSM movies and got inspired.

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “You’re just hating because you’re insanely jealous of the author’s success.”

You’re fucking right I’m jealous of the author’s success. Who wouldn’t be jealous of somebody who took her Twilight Saga fan fiction and turned it into its own multi-million dollar franchise by changing the names and making the love interest a billionaire instead of a sparkly vampire? Who wouldn’t be jealous of an author whose characters are all American, set in Seattle, but she couldn’t be bothered to change the fact that they all sound British like her, and people still bought into it? Nobody cared, because apparently it’s really romantic when some billionaire wants to tie you up in his sex room and beat you senseless before he screws you.

So, yeah. Count me out. #sorrynotsorry

Yes, I’m aware that #sorrynotsorry is a “basic” hashtag.

Going Gluten free. Look, I have a cousin who has actual Celiac Disease and eating gluten will send her to the E.R. with DEFCON 5 stomach cramps and diarrhea. I have a friend with M.S. and it was recommended to her that avoiding gluten would alleviate her symptoms, which it did. These people are not Basic. They have actual conditions that require abstaining from gluten. The rest of y’all can fuck off with your cardboard pasta and pizza dough. I’m not doing it. Even for the promise of losing 100 lbs. You lose 100 lbs because you’re not interested in eating Styrofoam for dinner.

Bathroom selfies. I’m not going to say I never took a bathroom selfie. If my hair and/or makeup is looking “on fleek” as the kids say these days, then I’ll snap a picture. What I WON’T DO is upload a new bathroom selfie every day. When I do take a bathroom selfie, I’m going to make sure the toilet is not in the background, that you can’t see how messy my bathroom actually is, and I won’t take a picture in a filthy mirror. Have some couth, people.

Which brings me to filters and duck lips. Seriously. Twenty profile photos of you with pouty lips makes you fucking Basic. Using so many filters that we can’t recognize you when we see you on the street makes you Basic. And quit using a sharpie for your eyebrows. Use a damned pencil like everyone else.

Ok, let me just extoll the virtues of Ebates. I’ve been a member for several years now, and no joke, I’ve earned back several hundred dollars worth of online purchases. I promise this is NOT  a  scam. You just sign up on the Ebates website and start shopping.

Here’s how it works: when you’re shopping online, go to Ebates website first. Find the online store you want to shop at and access that store through the Ebates link. That’s it. Once you’ve made a purchase, Ebates will credit a certain percentage of your purchase to your Ebates account and every quarter, they pay you! So simple! I really clean up on my Christmas shopping. Why do they do this? The retailers give Ebates a referral fee for every customer referred to them. Ebates is just giving you a cut of that referral fee!

Here’s an actual screenshot of my account page that shows how much I’ve earned back since being a member. Yes, it says $529.46!

 

 

Are you interested? Click this button to sign up for Ebates and see how much you can earn back! (Read my disclosure statement here.)

Anyway, now that I’ve probably offended everyone who reads this blog and labelled us all as “Basic”, I will leave you with this picture of my stash. Don’t hate. I had to stock up because for about two weeks, you couldn’t find any Pumpkin Spice creamer at any of the stores around here. When I finally found it, I made an onsite decision to hoard it.

Because even when I’m being Basic, I’m also “Extra”.

Stay weird, my friends. Normal is boring!