Memo To The C.E.O. RE: Royal Wedding

MEMO

TO: CEO of Satan’s Butthole

FROM: Kat (long time peon and current doormat)

Dear Sir,

It has come to my attention that morale in our office is at an all time low. Much of this has to do with the fact that our office will be closing soon and people are scrambling for employment, whether with the company in another city, or with an outside firm altogether.

Finding my own morale quickly spiraling into the toilet, I have been looking for inspiration on how to make these last few months more tolerable enjoyable. I am happy to report that I found just the inspiration I needed in the Royal Wedding this last weekend.

I’m sure you are now reading this with great skepticism. I’d like to put your mind at ease by assuring you this is nothing like the time I started binge watching The Crown on Netflix and asked The Husband Dude if we could hire a lady-in-waiting to dress me in the morning and hold a basin in front of me while I brush my teeth. I’d also like to assure you that I have mostly completely lost the horrible British accent I acquired and imparted on Mr. Luna when I would tell him “what a very pretty kitty” he is.

No, this inspriation actually came after an evening of heavy drinking quiet reflection, followed by getting up at O-Dark-Thirty to watch the nuptials on the “telly”. In my groggy and uncaffeineted state, it occurred to me that adopting some of the Royal Wedding traditions in the workplace would not only spice things up a bit, it would also lend an air of class and sophistication that we don’t often find in Northeastern Oklahoma.

I really believe that a great way to set the tone for the day would be in how we arrive at work. Parking in the parking lot and then having to walk up to the building is so mundane. In a Royal Wedding, the bride usually arrives in a horse drawn carriage, or in some cases a very fancy car.

I’m pretty sure as a company, nothing would say, “I’m sorry that customer called you a stupid bitch” quite like an open carriage ride on a summer morning. Wouldn’t you agree?

Of course, I realize a horse and carriage isn’t economically feasible or practical for transporting employees from the parking lot to the door of the building, but I have a solution for that.

Riding mowers.

Now, before you scoff, consider that we already hire a lawn maintenance company to mow the grounds, and so there are usually several mowers on the premises at once. Why not kill two birds with one stone by letting our employees ride on the mower up to the front door? If we dress the lawn maintenance guys like Coachmen, and we practice our royal wave, I’m sure we’d get that royal feeling sooner rather than later.

What better way to start the day?

The second way we can incorporate Royal Wedding traditions is in our dress code.

When I first started here, we had to wear business attire. Later, it was “business casual”, then we had “casual Fridays” where we could wear jeans but still had to wear a nice top and shoes. But we have slowly deteriorated to “anything goes” and sometimes it’s hard to tell if people are coming to answer phones or dig a latrine out back. Also, I’ve seen more of some of my coworkers than their personal physicians, so maybe we need to tighten up the modesty a little.

Don’t get me wrong. I’ve enjoyed being able to wear jeans and capris and comfortable shirts and shoes. It feels like we work for Amazon or Google.

Except without the bring-your-pet-to-work-days.

And the lack of fun atmosphere.

And the really bad morale.

Maybe we should call ourselves “Sadmazon”.

That’s why I think we need a fun, new dresscode. Nothing stuffy. Just something different. At Royal Weddings, the women all wear head gear that resembles what it would look like if a hat and a headband had a baby. They’re called “Fascinators” and they put the “fun” in “dysfunction”.

If you aren’t convinced yet, I respectfully refer you to Princess Beatrice at William and Kate’s wedding.

This fascinator screams, “Girls just wanna have fun!” And also, “Introducing the Artist Formerly Known as Princess Beatrice.”

Maybe we could figure out a way to attach these to our headsets so as not to interrupt the flow of phone calls.

The next tradition I believe we could use is singing. At the end of every Royal Wedding, they sing the national anthem, “God Save The Queen”.  Of course, I’m not suggesting we sing “God Save The Queen” at the end of our shifts. If we did, we’d probably end up singing “My Country Tis Of Thee” because somewhere along the line, an American hijacked the melody and Americanized the words.

I also suggest we not sing the American National Anthem. It’s not that I don’t love “The Star Spangled Banner”. I just can’t stand the fact that nobody seems to know the words anymore. Watching televised sporting events is painful because half the crowd isn’t singing and half of the ones that are, are mouthing the wrong words. Plus, there’s too much danger of possibly ending up with another Roseanne or Fergie situation. Nobody wants to hear that again.

I suggest we choose a song that’s meaningful to all of us at this particular juncture in our lives.

I respectfully submit for your consideration: “Take This Job And Shove It.”

Ok…maybe not.

Finally, I would like to suggest one of the most important Royal Wedding traditions: Titles.

When a Royal Couple marries, the Queen bestows a new title on the couple. Examples include The Duke and Duchess of York, The Prince and Princess of Wales, and the latest: The Duke and Duchess of Sussex.

Of course, we don’t have a Queen to bestow titles on us, so that would fall to you, the C.E.O. The titles should denote an area of expertise. I hope you are open to suggestions. Here are some of my ideas:

The Duke of Demands.

The Princess of Pleasantries.

The Earl of Early Clocking Out.

The Duchess of Dummy Wrangling.

The Prince of the Ping-Pong Table In The Atrium.

I appreciate you taking the time to consider my suggestions. I look forward to your response and will watch my Inbox in great anticipation. I know together we’ll make these last few months the best this company has ever seen.

Best regards,

The Countess of Cursing

Stay weird, my friends. Normal is boring.