Top Eleven Things I’ll Miss About Work

Sometime between now and 2019, I’ll be unemployed. I decided to put together a list of things I won’t will miss about office life.

Cubicles

Why do they call them cubicles? A cube implies something with 6 faces or sides. My cube has 3 flimsy walls that are supported by years of bitterness and resentment.

The Office Grapevine

The office gossip travels faster than Dale Earnhardt Jr. at the Indy 500. It’s like: telephone, telegraph, tell a coworker. But where else am I going to get Fox News, CNN, and CNBC all combined into one totally inaccurate story?

Someone’s lunch always smells like ass

This one probably doesn’t need much explanation. Seriously. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU EATING?

Having people sneak up on you unexepectedly

Like the guy that would stand there and stare at me until I looked up and noticed him and screamed at the top of my lungs.

Then, he would ask for help.

Also, the supervisors who like to sneak up on you when you’re browsing Amazon for new coffee flavors taking a brief break from your work. Fortunately, I used to have a coworker with one of those mirrors on his monitor and when our supervisor would come walking down the aisle, he would shout “Five-O! Five-O”.

I’ll miss my helpful coworkers!

The Refrigerator

How badly can the fridge smell? Let me count the ways. Mold, old broccoli, rotting meat juice. And that person’s lunch that smelled like ass BEFORE it started decomposing.

I’m pretty sure the penicillen we’ve grown in our office ice box could cure cancer. Or turn you into a mutant superhero. The smell could cripple a small country.

In fact, if we attached our office refrigerator to a warhead and launched it at North Korea, the U.N. would prosecute us for war crimes.

Petty Larceny

Sometimes the office more closely resembles the Hunger Games than a civilized collection of people working closely together. Stuff goes missing all the time, from phone chargers to spare change to large amounts of money directly from people’s purses. Don’t even get me started about the food going missing from the refrigerator.

I had food and drinks stolen from the refrigerator when I was pregnant. Stealing food from a hangry (hungry + angry) pregnant woman results in justifiable homicide in most states.

 Security guards

Don’t take this the wrong way, because I believe security is an important job, but is there a rule somewhere that security guards HAVE to be over the age of 55 or extremely out of shape? In 16 years, we’ve only had one security guard that I didn’t feel that I could beat in a race.

Or take on in a Tables, Ladders and Chairs match.

And I sit in a chair all day.

But I have to give props to the one who brought a defibrillator to my desk that time I had a coughing fit.

All I needed was some hot tea and a Halls Mentho-lyptus but thanks for being proactive, T.J. Hooker.

Workplace violence training

Speaking of security…about ten years ago, they moved our receptionist desk from the center of our lobby to a room enclosed by bullet proof glass. They also put high security doors and alarms on our Executive offices along with cameras and all kinds of bells and whistles.

Meanwhile, I’m in a cubicle with three, four-foot high walls that shake everytime someone slams a drawer shut.

But it’s ok, because I was forced given the opportunity to watch a workplace violence training video. I learned that should I become trapped in a room that an active shooter is about to enter, I should throw anything I can get my hands on at the attacker. This was very accurately demonstrated by a woman in a conference room throwing a fake plant in a wicker basket.

I believe they call this “Stand your ground with a silk hydrangea” law.

Meetings

Oh God, yes…more meetings please! Let’s have a meeting to further discuss the 20 emails leadership just sent us that could’ve been summarized in one memo.

And oh look…Annie Ass Kisser has ANOTHER QUESTION because 30 minutes of elaboration, a pie chart and finger puppets could not completely “clarify” everything.

Which brings me to Meeting’s ugly step-sister:

Conference Calls

Is there anything better than being stuck on a call with 20 mouth-breathers?

How many times does the facilitator have to ask you people to fucking mute your phone unless you are actually asking a question?!?

As much as I LOVE listening to you eat lunch/chew gum/giggle at your coworkers in the background/snort snot back up into your nose, you’re distracting me from the game of Solitaire I’m playing while I ignore the person talking.

Have some courtesy, will ya?

And finally…

Performance Evaluations

Ahhhh…yes…being judged and graded for the quarter/mid-year/year.

Is there anything better than sitting with your supervisor and selling yourself like a French hooker in the Red Light District?

“Why, yes, Bob…I’ve had a VERY productive year. I single handedly jammed every copier on this floor, cleaned all the Nutella out of my keyboard, and indexed all the sticky notes on the wall of my cubicle alphabetically by subject. I also completed all my online Christmas shopping by October 1. Can I have a raise?”

Ok…your turn. What do you hate love about work?