My Marriage Summarized in Five Conversations

Everything you need to know about my marriage as told in five conversations:

Conversation 1:

The  Husband Dude: My favorite movie is on tonight.

Me: The Wolfman?

THD: No. The Boy Who Cried Werewolf.

Me: You sure do have a lot of favorites. You say everything is your favorite.

THD: Do you know what my all time favorite movie is?

Me: The Wolfman?

THD: Not horror movie. All time favorite. The whole enchilada.

Me: How am I supposed to know that when you call everything your favorite?

THD: You’re kidding me. You really don’t know? How long have we been married?

Me: YOU CALL EVERYTHING YOUR FAVORITE! Point Break? Road House?

THD: Are you serious right now?

Me: You LOVE Patrick Swayze. He’s your ‘favorite’, remember?

THD: My favorite has awesome makeup in it.

Me: Planet of the Apes!

THD: (rolling his eyes) Let’s just sign the divorce papers now.

Me: You LOVE Planet of the Apes. You saw them all back in the day. I’ve heard the whole ‘I went to the theater with Mel and watched Ape for a Day and came home and drew apes all night’ story a million times.

THD: My all time favorite, that has everything in it that’s awesome, is…The Wizard of Oz.

Me: Oh. Yes. I knew that.

THD: Obviously not.

Me: Ok smart ass…what’s MY favorite all time movie.

THD: Ummm…Dead Again.

Me: No. But that’s in my top 10.

THD: Ummm…I could’ve sworn it was Dead Again.

Me: I’ll give you a hint. I told you that you couldn’t call yourself an Italian until you’ve seen this movie and I made you watch it even though you didn’t want to. And then you loved it.

THD: Oh yeah…Moonstruck!

Me: ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW???

THD: Oh wait…is it a classic?

Me: YES!

THD: The Godfather?

Me: YES! FOR CRAP’S SAKE, WHY ARE WE MARRIED?!?

Conversation 2:

(At the gas pump, handing me back my debit card and my discount card)

THD: I can’t believe the price of gas. Only $1.57.

Me: It’s actually $1.77. I got a $0.20 discount.

THD: That price is crazy.

Me: Yeah. It’s a good discount. Twenty cents.

(Later driving home).

THD: I still can’t get over how much gas has gone down. $1.57!

Me: It’s not that low. I had a discount with my card. TWENTY CENTS.

THD: (stares blankly)

Me: TWENTY CENT DISCOUNT.

THD: You got a discount?

Me: Yes I’ve told you about 30 times I GOT A DISCOUNT. Twenty cents. Twenty cent discount. TWENTY!

THD: Did you get a twenty cent discount?

Me: I’m going to hurt you.

Conversation 3:

Me: I’m going to the store.

THD: (Not looking up from phone) Are you coming back?

Me: (Long Pause) I don’t know. I’ve got almost a full tank of gas and some cash. I’ll decide when I hit the road.

THD: (Not looking up from phone) Ok. Love you.

(20 minutes later)

Me: (Coming in the door) Yeah…I decided to come back.

THD: (not looking up from his phone, nodding): Cool…

Conversation 4:

THD: Did you have much trouble getting the fan out of the garage?

Me: Well…I said “motherfucker” about 20 times.

THD: So no trouble then?

Conversation 5:

The week I was told my office would be closing and I made up my mind to give writing a try…

(Laying in bed)

THD: (Whispering) Don’t worry. Everything’s going to work out. I know you’ve got this writing thing. You can do it. I really think you can.

Me: Thanks. I appreciate you saying that.

(He wraps his arms around me. Long moment of silence.)

THD: (Whispering) It wouldn’t hurt to start playing the lottery, though…