My Big Fat Crazy Week

I could not think of an appropriate title for this blog post, so this is what you get.

My week was crazy, fun, exhausting, confusing, and fast. How was yours?

Here’s a little recap:

Y’all Hate Your Jobs

I wrote “Top Eleven Things I’ll Miss About Work” last summer while I was, coincidentally, at work at Satan’s Butthole. I had not even created my blog yet. It was just in the planning stages, and I didn’t quite have the rhythm or style you’ve come to know on my blog. At the time, I thought it was amusing and good for a few chuckles.

I had no idea that a year later it would become my most-read post ever. At least for a week.

Then, for some reason, my post titled I Survived Childhood In The 70’s took off and surpassed it.

So, currently, my most popular posts go like this:

• I Survived Childhood in the 70’s (life before safety features)
• Top Eleven Things I’ll Miss About Work (not actually things I’ll miss)
• Take This Job and Shove It (the day I quit Satan’s Butthole)
• You’re Fired! (not actually about work…I fired my Lady Parts!)
• I Thought It Was Menopause (spoiler alert: it wasn’t)

This leads me to the following conclusions: y’all love nostalgia, y’all hate your jobs and my Lady Parts are the most interesting thing about me. Too bad they’re gone now.

In any case, I just want to thank all of you for reading ANY of my posts AT ALL. I continue to be humbled by all of you who have been with me since the beginning and all my new friends who are encouraging me to keep writing and telling me that I actually make you laugh at the stuff I intended to be funny.

I know some of you remember me saying that my Dad told me once I couldn’t make a living being a smartass.

Challenge accepted!

How Long Do I Have To Do This?

And speaking of making a living…the blog is not paying the bills (yet), so I wasn’t able to leave Satan’s Butthole and step into a life where I get to make you laugh for a living. I did, however, find a job that I think I can tolerate and possibly even enjoy.

And while the “meat” of the job is the same as what I did my first 13 years at Satan’s Butthole, the systems and procedures are completely different. My brain is a little fried from taking it all in and I’m feeling a little like this:

But no matter…I was so excited to be starting a new job that I made The Husband Dude take a “First Day of Work” picture and he was a good sport. He posed with his retirement stats!

Raccoons and Possums and Cats, Oh My!

So you may recall that I’ve mentioned I have a little pride of feral cats I feed on a regular basis. I know ferals are typically known as colonies, but I prefer pride because it sounds more fierce and colonies make me think they’re eventually going to rebel against me and start their own country, so…

The bowl for their food is on our front porch, right under our bathroom window. I can usually hear when one of them is munching on some kibble. One morning before the sun was up, I heard what sounded like some really fast munching, like one of them was scarfing down food. So, I peeked out the window and discovered a possum (yes, I know it’s technically opossum, but I’m going to use possum for the purposes of this story) eating out of the bowl. When he saw me, he/she scurried out to the bushes and disappeared.

I figured I’m feeding approximately five kitties in my little group, plus the occasional straggler from the neighbors, so what’s one more critter at the buffet? I might as well start charging $11.99 a head and slap a “Golden Coral” sign on my front door.

I could always tell when “Polly” had been there, because the bowl would be moved and there would be messy tidbits of chewed up food everywhere. The pride are much neater eaters and bathe fastidiously after their meal.

And up until just a few weeks ago, I thought this was the totality of my menagerie. Until the night I woke up with The Husband Dude cursing a blue streak in my ear.

Apparently, I had been sound asleep on my side and he was in his usual position of “all over the bed”, with his head pretty much laying on top of mine. Shane chose that exact moment to come into our room in the dark and stand at the foot of my side of the bed and say, “Mom! Mom!”

I don’t remember any of this, but apparently I screamed bloody murder at Shane, which scared the piss out of THD, who then started screaming obscenities.

Shane: Mom!

Me: For crap’s sake, what is it Shane???

Shane:  There’s a raccoon on the front porch! Come look!

THD: We’re not getting out of bed to look. TAKE A FUCKING PICTURE!!!

So, after a near death from heart attack, and a string of obscenities that punctuated the night, THD and I eventually caught a few sightings of our raccoon. I can always tell when he’s eating because the “munching” outside the bedroom window is very frenzied and the bowl is usually out in the middle of the porch, but there isn’t a crumb to be found.

I was ok  with this status quo, until I went out one morning this week to replenish the kibble and found the airtight food container laying haphazardly in the middle of the porch, two feet away from its lid. The scoop was on the other side of the porch from that, and the food was nowhere to be found.

Me: Do you know what Randy did???

THD: Who’s Randy?

Me: The raccoon.

THD: You named the raccoon Randy?

Me: Yes. Do you know what Randy did?

THD: No, what?

Me (holding up the container and lid):  He broke into the food container and ATE ALL THE FOOD!

THD: Are you sure it was him?

Me: Who else is it going to be? It wasn’t Polly. It was that fat fucker Randy.

THD: Who’s Polly?

Me: The possum.

THD: You named the possum Polly? How do you know it’s a girl?

Me: I don’t. But the name can work either way. It can be Polly for a girl or Paulie for a boy.

THD: So if it’s a boy it’s an Italian possum?

Me: I guess so. And if Randy is a girl, then she’s Randi. So it works either way.

Both of us:

Dungeon of Loom

Finally, my blogging buddy, Allen from The Midnight Goose Blog, got a group of us (bloggers) together and we formed a Facebook group called Dungeon of Loom. It’s a group for bloggers (mainly humor bloggers) and blog readers and a place for us to promote our writing and just be silly.

Allen came up with a great tagline – You don’t have to be funny – just an awful person. I mean, talk about keepin’ it real!

You don’t have to be a blogger to join. If you just enjoy some entertainment in quick bursts of bloggy goodness, just click on the picture above and the link will take you to our page where you can request to be admitted to the group. One of us admins will be happy to welcome you!

If you want to check out some of the bloggers before joining the group, here are the featured admins:

Allen T. St.Clair – The Midnight Goose

M.L. James – Wayward Sparkles

Katie Pitts – Fatty McCupcakes

Adie – From Adie, With Love

And of course, yours truly, Angel Who Swears

Don’t forget to go over and give some love to our good friend from across the pond, Pip at Pip’s Tips!

Until next time…Stay weird, my friends. Normal is boring!