If you’re sick of hearing about my Hysterectomy, join the club. So am I.
I kind of felt like I needed to write this post, though, because so many of you have been kind enough to reach out to me and ask how I’m doing and if I need anything. I’ve also had a lot of questions, some of which have come from a place of curiosity and some from concern.
In promoting my previous blog posts, I’ve actually gained some followers on some of my social platforms who are also in the process of having the same procedure, have had the same procedure or are thinking about the procedure, and they have questions as well.
I thought I’d write one big post to answer all your questions and hopefully put some minds at ease. To all my new readers, thank you so much for joining our weird little tribe.
Everything’s Perfectly Alright Now. We’re fine. We’re All Fine Here Now.
If you’re a Star Wars nerd like me, you’ll recognize that quote.
If not, just take it at face value, because, really, I’m OK!
People always get a little worried when you’re talking about major surgery.
I’d like to say that I’ve been reminded many times that THIS IS A MAJOR SURGERY.
I think sometimes people take my wisecracking and jokes as a cavalier attitude towards surgery. Nothing could be further from the truth.
Let me just put it in perspective.
My mother actually died on the table having a “major” surgery. The absolute worst case scenario of surgery that you can have. It was completely unexpected and blindsided all of us.
You LITERALLY cannot have a worse outcome.
So, for me, the biggest fear going into surgery is not complications afterward, or pain, or side effects, or recovery time. My fear is I’ll never wake up and my family will be blindsided.
And I’m going to be fucking pissed that my last meal on Earth was fucking Magnesium Citrate to clear my bowels out!
So when I DO wake up, you best believe I’m going to joke about EVERYTHING.
Because I can.
Period.
Actually, no more Period. Yay!
Besides, humor has ALWAYS been how I’ve dealt with life. Humor has kept me from walking out in front of traffic. Humor has kept me from PUSHING OTHER PEOPLE out in front of traffic.
So, if I’m wisecracking and spewing sarcasm about whatever is going on in my life, then you don’t really have to worry whether I’m ok or not. Humor means I’m coping and I’m going to be ok.
If I ever quit joking about life, that’s when you need to go into DEF CON FIVE mode and get concerned, because that’ll be the day I’ve given up on everything.
And now that I’ve thoroughly depressed and/or frightened you, let’s lighten up a little, ok???
It’s Not A Tu-mah!
Another movie quote. Can you name the movie and actor who uttered it?
So, I guess technically, it WAS a tumor that started this whole thing. But it was a fibroid, which is a non-cancerous tumor.
They did an initial biopsy when they first found the fibroid and then ran all of my “parts” through pathology to make sure there was no cancer.
There wasn’t.
So no concerns there. I no longer have to worry about my ovaries being triggered by the crappy family DNA that I inherited. I just have to worry about the other body parts that can’t be removed.
Given that I’m a huge pain in the ass, it would probably be my karmic destiny to get rectal cancer anyway.
I’m Not Addicted To Opiates
I’ve made a lot of jokes about Oxy, which apparently has concerned some people.
There was some concern after I posted my list of things that are better and not better with Oxy that I was nearly two weeks out from my surgery and still taking Oxy.
Whoah! Hold on there, Dr. Drew! Don’t call A&E to book me on “Intervention” just yet.
What you may not realize is that I often write my blog posts well ahead of time. Sometimes a few days ahead and sometimes even a week or weeks ahead.
The Oxy post was published nearly two weeks out from my surgery, but it was written only four days out, so yes, I was still taking pain meds at the time I was writing it. Your hoo-hah has a tendency to get sore when you literally yank major organs out of it and are then forced to sit on it all day on “restricted” activity.
I actually quit taking the Good Stuff about five days out. I haven’t even had to take a Tylenol since then.
The doctor told me that this Davinci surgery would mean faster recovery and less pain, and she was right. Of the three abdominal surgeries I’ve had, The C-Section was the worst, followed by the Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy and then the Hysterectomy.
Hopefully, this gives you a frame of reference for your own recovery, if you’re considering this surgery.
I’m Only Tired Of Telling People I’m Not Tired
Everyone wants to know if I’m tired. Everyone has told me how little energy they had after surgery.
Am I taking naps? Am I getting enough rest?
I tell you, my sleeping patterns have not been this interesting to people since I was a newborn in my sleep-deprived mother’s arms.
I am not tired. 
I have no reason to be tired because I literally don’t do anything all day. I wake up around 8:00 a.m. and make myself a cup of coffee. Then I sit on the couch and watch a thousand hours of TV.
Sometimes I get really out of hand and color in my swear word coloring book or play Solitaire on my Kindle. When I get inspired, I command the teenager to bring me my laptop and I write or create designs for my Zazzle shop.
I’ve probably only taken two naps, but I think it was because I literally bored myself to sleep.
I drink a lot of water so that I have an excuse to get up and go to the bathroom for a change of scenery. One time I popped a bag of microwave popcorn so that I could watch something else besides Netflix.
I go to bed around 9:00 or 10:00, not because I’m sleepy, but because I’m not allowed to do anything else and The Husband Dude gets very huffy if I start doing anything like unloading the dishwasher or putting five articles of clothing into the washing machine.
So, no, I’m not tired. I’m sure if I tried to go to work, I’d be splayed out across my desk by lunch time, but I can honestly say I’m not tired right now because I’m not exerting any effort to do anything, per doctor’s orders.
I’m Not Overdoing It
Which leads to the next concern people have. When you tell people that you feel fine, they get REALLY worried that you’re going to overdo it.
I promise, you will never hear me say, “I just had major abdominal surgery but I think I’m going to train for a triathlon, chop some wood, and then finish off by building an addition to my house.”
First of all, I’m the person who will watch three episodes of a show I hate because the remote is on the other side of the room and I’m too lazy to get up and retrieve it.
I will text you a funny picture to look at even if you’re sitting next to me and I could easily just hand you my phone to look at it.
I lived for ten years in this house with the previous owner’s drapes because I couldn’t be bothered to change them.
Are you starting to see the big picture here? There’s Zero Point Zero Zero Zero percent chance that I’m going to “overdo” anything except laziness. Seriously.
Okay, Enough Jokes…What Is It Really Like Because I’m Scared To Do This!
Okay…100% seriousness. I am capable of that, sometimes.
If you’re thinking about this procedure but you’ve been too scared to do it, I would strongly suggest you find a support group online and check out different people’s stories. A friend of mine recommended Hyster Sisters and it really is a great resource with articles, discussion forums, resources for products and services that might help you through this little journey. I get absolutely nothing from Hyster Sisters for recommending them, so just know that I think it’s valuable info, especially if you’re nervous or scared.
From my own experience, I can only tell you that I would do this all over again. I’m in a different place than some of you. I’m on the downhill slide to fifty and my childbearing years are WAY behind me. I can’t tell you how thrilled I am not to have to dread Aunt Flo’s visits because she was really overstaying her welcome and she was NOT polite at all!
The worry for me was whether to take hormones or not because NOT having hormones at such a young age presents all kind of side effects and risks (osteoporosis, for one, which my grandmother suffered from severely, hot flashes, etc), but taking hormones increases my risk of blood clots, heart disease, and breast cancer, all of which also run in my family.
It got to a point where I had to face the fact that I’ve got a very murky genetic pool. You name it, it probably runs in my family on one side or the other.
The fact is, I’m going to die some day. At this point, I’ve come to the conclusion that I really just need to pick the poison that’s going to cause it and try to balance that with the quality of life I’ll have in the meantime. For right now, I’m rolling the dice with hormones.
Two weeks out, I would say I feel mostly normal with the hormones. I did have one day where I felt very much like I had PMS and wanted to stab everyone, but I can’t tell you how much of that is hormones and how much of that is just me.
Because that’s kind of who I am.
You have to decide for yourself with your doctor what the best choice is for you.
Okay…lecture over…
Are You Ready To Go Back To Work?
I Made Stuff
So this whole experience inspired me to craft a few things for my Zazzle shop.
This is one of the biggest decisions a woman will ever make. For some, it’s devastating (for many reasons) and terrifying. For some (like me), we couldn’t schedule this surgery fast enough and we feel like throwing a party every day now that it’s done.
Because it’s such a big deal, I feel like we deserve more than just a generic “Get Well” card.
That’s why I’ve spent some of this boring recovery time being creative and making some cards and gifts that will lighten up a not-so-fun situation.
I’ve fixed the link and hopefully you can see the whole collection here!
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