Where Nobody Knows Your Name

With two weeks of sick leave under my belt now, I can tell you unequivocally that I have watched every episode of Bar Rescue ever produced.

I’ve watched so many episodes that Shane will pass through the living room and wonder aloud “how many seasons are there of Bar Rescue?”

I’ve watched so many episodes that The Husband Dude wants to know if that’s my plan for my next job and “what’s the name of our new bar?”

Then I realized that I have just enough knowledge to be dangerous. I can create a brand we can all understand and relate to.

The Office Bar and Grill

Picture it. A logo with our name on it and maybe a time clock graphic.

The décor will be like any typical office building in America.  At The Hard Rock, they display musical instruments and costumes everywhere. Our displays will be ten key calculators and computer monitors. On the walls, you’ll find random motivational posters that are supposed to inspire you and in the corner, a copy machine that never works.

There will be a few booths against the wall that look like cubicles. The bar itself will look like the counter at a bank or the DMV. We’ll have a V.I.P. section that looks like a board room, complete with fancy oak table and poofy leather office chairs.

We’ll have the latest digital style jukebox where patrons can select the music they want to hear, but the catch is, it’s all “hold music” versions of your favorite rock classics.

When the T.V.s on the wall are not showing your favorite sporting events, we’ll just play workplace violence training and feel-good motivational videos.

You’ll be assigned a number, or “alias” when you walk in. This isn’t Cheers where everybody knows your name.

The Staff

The staff will be dressed in business casual attire and will greet every customer with, “You’re late!”

In fact, if they don’t berate you within 60 seconds of entering the bar, you get a free shot!

They’ll hand you a simple cocktail and food menu that looks like an office memo with sticky notes stuck to it and they’ll remind you that if you’re ordering food, you only have forty-five minutes to eat it and get back to work.

If your server or bartender does a good job, there’s a bulletin board near the front door where you can “rate” them and that’s how we’ll determine if they get a raise the next year.

The Food Menu

We believe at The Office that a solid food program is key for keeping people in their seats and drinking. That’s why we’ve crafted a food menu that will enhance the “office” experience.

You’re Fried! – A sampler of all our best appetizers – fried pickles, mozzarella sticks, and fried mushrooms. Served with a LinkedIn account (get it? you’re fired/fried!)

The Butt Kisser – This tasty sandwich is made with only the best rump roast and is served with au jus. Because if you’re kissing rumps, it should be juicy!

It’s Not Really A Raise – This is our vegetarian option. It looks like a big juicy burger, but much like your pay increase at work that gets taxed to death, you find out there’s no substance to it at all and you always end up disappointed and asking, “Where’s the beef?”.

The Special Project – This is a pizza you get to build and cook yourself, but you have a limited time and you’re expected to complete twenty-five other tasks at the same time. If you successfully complete your pizza in the allotted time, you’re rewarded with terrible heartburn and then you get to complete pizzas for everyone else at the bar.

Donuts In The Break Room – You’ll love our dessert option! It’s one lone donut (plus a half-eaten one that’ll leave you wondering who the hell only eats half a damned donut?!?) served in a box meant to hold one dozen. Of course, it’s just a plain glazed donut because let’s face it, you’re always the last one to get there and all the good choices have always been taken!

The Cocktail Menu

At The Office, you can enjoy premium spirits and the best draft beer on tap. But you’ll want to stay for our signature cocktails.

Made It On Time – This classic morning cocktail is a half full mimosa served in the first clean glass we could find, but it is delivered to your table faster than a classic mimosa. We’re not 100% ready, but we’re on time and that has to count for something!

I Don’t Feel Tardy – Another morning classic. This Bloody Mary will not be fast, but it will be worth the wait. It will be presented in the appropriate glass, sparkling clean, with beautiful garnishments. It comes with a side of the Starbucks drink of your choice, because if we’re going to be late anyway, we might as well make it worth it.

Turn Your Head and Coffee – For all of our java loving customers. This is your standard Bailey’s and Cream Coffee drink, except we promise not to let anyone talk to you until you’ve finished it!

The Mad Men Flight – We know “flights” are typically reserved for beer and wine presentation, but we’ve now innovated the “Martini Flight”. Just like the good ‘ol days, you can have your three martini lunch served to you all at once, with a side of chauvinism, if you prefer. Sorry, our bar is non-smoking.

Take This Job And Shove It – We’ve taken the standard Whiskey and Coke drink and elevated it by really just kind of waving the Coke around over a glass of Whiskey on the rocks. This drink is only served between the hours of 3:00 to 5:00 p.m. because that’s when most people have taken all the shit they can take and walk off the job.

It’s Five O’clock  Somewhere – This would be your standard margarita (frozen or on the rocks) but the salt isn’t on the rim of your glass. It’s from your tears of frustration.

The Fugly Lights – It’s Last Call and the house lights have come on. Your beer goggles are no match for the hot mess you’ve been chatting up all evening. Time to sober up and make better choices. This drink will help. It’s black coffee with three shots of straight espresso. You’ll drive home at the speed of light and still be awake when your shift starts tomorrow.

The Final Bill

Your server or bartender will present you with your check in the form of a job evaluation. In addition to paying your bill, you get to pretend you’re a supervisor and “evaluate” our service. Be as nit-picky as you want and we won’t be offended if you completely blindside us with criticism, because at The Office, you’re the boss!

Don’t forget to leave a tip. We prefer actual money, but useless gems such as “Think outside the box” and “There is no I in Team” are also accepted.

If you still happen to be with us at Last Call, that’s when all productivity in the bar stops and we’ll hold staff meetings to discuss things that could’ve been said in an email. Also, one staff member will be required to ask an additional question that will make the meeting last another thirty minutes.

Because we want you to enjoy the full office experience!

Stay weird, my friends. Normal is boring.