Coloring Outside The Lines

Dear Diary,

It is Day Ten of my Sick Leave.

Patience and nerves are wearing thin. If only my waistline would as well.

The Fourth of July found us at a boiling point, literally.

A pot of corn boiled over onto the shiny surface of my newish black stovetop. I admonished suggested that The Husband Dude might want to “run, not walk” when he hears a disaster overflowing in the kitchen and that’s when I saw the rubber band snap.

The look in his eyes told me that the next thing to happen would be a headline reading, “Wombless Woman Found Suffocated Under A Pile of Her Own Warm Laundry”.

Which honestly, wouldn’t be one of the worst ways to die. I love warm laundry.

Having fully matured in our marriage of eighteen years, we know exactly how to deal with these moments. THD retreated to the bathroom to stare at his phone for forty-five minutes, and I buried myself in one of my adult coloring books, artfully coloring curse words.

It’s very cathartic and I highly recommend it.

Except now I think I’ve given myself Carpal Tunnel from coloring for hours at a time.

I also think I’ve got early onset dementia because I had to Google Carpal Tunnel because I couldn’t remember what it’s called and had to Google “what is the condition you get from coloring too much?” Apparently, Google thinks I meant that I’m coloring my hair too much because that’s what all the responses were about. On the other hand, Google could be right on the money and that’s why I couldn’t remember “Carpal Tunnel”.  

So far, during my convalescence, we’ve managed to binge watch the latest seasons of at least four shows, as well as get caught up on all episodes of our regular shows that are currently airing. I  even got sentimental over my Dad’s love of Clint Eastwood and watched the entire series of “Dirty Harry” movies. We’re so desperate for entertainment that we are now testing the waters of new shows that I don’t think I would ever watch in my normal life.

I give you Exhibit A: “Dietland” on AMC.

I would tell you what it’s about but after four episodes, I’m still not quite sure. It seems to be about an overweight wannabe writer who works for a teen magazine as a ghost writer for the editor. She wants to save up  for weight loss surgery. And then there’s some mystery or something and a basement beauty closet and some militant women’s group that’s killing men who are douchebags.

Also, Julianne Margulies plays the magazine editor. She has red hair now.

This is where it gets murky because when we were watching it, I was feeling sore and bored and took an Oxy and then I really didn’t care what was happening anymore.

And speaking of Oxy…I can see why it’s so addicting.

Don’t worry, my friends. I’m in no danger of becoming a “skittler” (look at me using a word in the urban dictionary!) Most of my prescription is still safely in the bottle.

(And that’s not an invitation to break into my house and take it, weirdos. )

But I can definitely see the allure. Once you pop the magic pill, you’re waiting, waiting, waiting for it to work. One minute you’re eating a salad with grilled chicken and the next you’ve got a symphony of flavor in your mouth. It happens that fast.

I’ve decided that there are a list of things that are decidedly better on Oxy:

• Dietland on AMC
• grilled chicken salad
• boring conversations
• getting advice/opinions on all the things I’m going to experience with a hysterectomy (because EVERYONE has an opinion/advice)
• social media political posts
• a sore hoo-hah

These are the things that are NOT better on Oxy:

• coloring books – it’s REALLY hard to stay inside the lines
• solitaire on my Kindle – who can count to nine when you’re high?
• reading for comprehension
• driving – this is purely speculative on my part, but based on my other observations, I’m pretty confident driving would not be a good idea
• texting – you know how drunk texting is a really bad idea? well Oxy texting would be drunk texting’s uncle that nobody wants to invite to Thanksgiving because the evening will end in a political rant that pisses off everyone at the table
• being tactful – I’m pretty brutal when I’m completely sober, so loosening my tongue with narcotics is a recipe for disaster for anyone with a thin skin

Luckily, the pain has been pretty minimal and I haven’t needed much medication. I have had a few feeling sorry for myself moments, though.

It’s hard not to feel like a sloth when you’ve worn nothing but pajamas for ten days straight. I literally haven’t been out of the house except to check on my feral cats on the front porch. I’m thinking I may have to find some stretchy pants and a T shirt and go sit outside for a bit just to try to feel like I went somewhere and did something.

Except that it’s 2000 degrees Fahrenheit right now in Oklahoma, and the local mosquitos have been found to have West Nile Virus, so I’m not sure if that’s a good idea either. On the other hand, West Nile would buy me some more time off work, so…..

Meanwhile, Taco Larry is posting pictures of his Colorado vacation on his Facebook page. I’m so jealous. Except for the whole having to go to medical school thing to become a doctor and make that kind of money.

Did I mention that sick leave with major restrictions gives you ample time to question all of your life choices???

You would think that all this time off would prompt me to really dig into my social media accounts and get active, recruiting new readers and networking in the blogosphere.

You would be wrong.

My Twitter and Pinterest accounts are so neglected right now.  If you follow me on either of those platforms, I’ll just apologize now. I thought that having to work full time in addition to my blogging activities was causing the neglect.

Apparently, it’s just me.

Maybe at some point, I’ll get all of my ducks in row. For now, I just have squirrels with ADD and they will not be tamed.

Not even with Oxy.

Especially with Oxy.

Stay weird, my friends. Normal is boring.