The Wind Beneath My Wings

Remember when you were a kid and you used to get a surprise in your cereal box? Well I experienced the adult version of that this last week.

I should probably start this by saying I work at a very small company (there are only nine people in my office) and we all wear different hats and take on responsibilities we wouldn’t otherwise have at a larger company. For example, I’m an account manager for one of our clients, but I still review files for other accounts and even back up our adjuster team in handling claims if things get too hectic.

Some of the others in my office take on even more expanded roles, like being account managers and then assembling chairs, desks, cubicles and file cabinets. If you’ve got a particular set of skills, chances are you’ll be called upon to use them!

So our owner recently purchased some used filing cabinets. One of the things I appreciate about this place is that they save money and cut costs where they can without screwing their employees out of pay or benefits. One of the guys in the office assembled our filing cabinets and installed them under our desks.

They were kind of grimey and dirty, as things get when they’ve been used and then go sit in storage for a period of time. We got busy cleaning them up and that’s when I pulled open my bottom drawer and found this:

Yes. That’s exactly what you think it is.

As you can imagine, I had lots of questions.

Like…how did these manage to stay in this drawer this whole time without being disturbed?

Why are some of them unwrapped? I don’t mean they were used. I just mean they were taken out of their sanitary little pouch that they come wrapped up in. Who unwraps a sanitary napkin and then tosses it in a drawer?

Did they change their mind about changing their pad? Did they have a false Aunt Flo Alarm and decide they would just keep it for later? Were they planning an elaborate HR-nightmare-style prank on someone by “padding” their cubicle in order to assure that the prankster got fired in a blaze of glory? Were they trying to be ready in case a flash mob decided to recreate the shower scene in Carrie when all the girls throw pads and tampons at Carrie?

See what I mean about questions?

Naturally, I took to Facebook with my photo because that’s where you go for wisdom and insight. I asked if this is like a King Cake when you find the Baby Jesus. Does this mean I have to throw a period party now?

One of my insightful friends pointed out that these pads looked pretty outdated, “from the 90’s”. I had to agree. These were long and thin and didn’t even have wings. We all agreed these were relics from the Dark Ages, and probably only one step above the actual rags women used to use before sanitary products.

How does one carbon date a maxi pad? Do you pull it apart and count the layers?

“Captain’s Log, Stardate 21.7: During our cleanup of the filing cabinets, we discovered a hidden treasure of feminine hygiene products nestled inside the metal compartments. Our examination revealed thin material with the consistency of a paper plate, but not the good Chinet plates. These were more like the floppy kind with ridged edges that you can buy at Walmart in packages of a thousand for $0.85 that will drop that blob of ketchup on your shirt like a bird on a freshly waxed car.

The cheap quality caused us to hypothesize that these pads were the kind you desperately pull out of a machine for a quarter in a public restroom when you realize you left the house completely unprepared, even though you’ve been doing this EVERY MONTH SINCE YOU WERE TWELVE YEARS OLD. However, these pads were much thinner and longer than the short, fat mini-mattresses that could be purchased in vending machines and that felt like a burrito between your legs.

We finally placed the date of these accoutrements at some time in the late twentieth century, probably after Are You There, God? It’s Me Margaret and before O.J. ran slowly from the policy in a white Ford Bronco.”

Oh well. Guess I’ll start checking Pinterest for Period Party Decoration ideas…

Stay weird, my friends. Normal is boring!