A Micromanagement PSA

In an effort to give back to the community, Angel Who Swears is using today’s blog post for a very important Public Service Announcement. Please read and make sure you protect yourselves.

Do you feel like someone is always watching you? Are you constantly questioning everything you do and are afraid to complete tasks at work for fear of having everything questioned? Do you ever feel like you just aren’t good enough at anything you do?

You may be suffering from Acute Micromanagement.

Acute Micromanagement, also known as Intra-rectal Boss Syndrome, is a non-contagious condition that afflicts employees world-wide, and can infect anyone, anywhere, anytime. It is mainly caused by Managers, Bosses and Owners, but can also be spread by Control Freaks and Type-A Personalities as well as Cocky Muthafuckas.

In the interest of public health and wellness, please make note of the following signs of Acute Micromanagement so that you can determine if you are in need of professional intervention:

Who’s Watching You?

You might be suffering from Acute Micromanagement if this is a familiar sight in your workplace:

It doesn’t matter if you’re standing around for a few minutes, discussing non-work related things with a few coworkers, making a personal phone call, or walking out two minutes early. If you’ve ever experienced this, you could be afflicted.

Watching Me, Watching You

You might be suffering from Acute Micromanagement if you’ve ever found yourself being observed doing your job by your Team Manager, while your Section Manager observes your Team Manager observing you, while a Process Analyst observes your Section Manager observing your Team Manager observing you doing your job.

This is generally known as the Side-by-side-by-side-by-side but is also referred to as a Clusterfuck.

See also: Satan’s Butthole

Did You See That Email?

You may be suffering from Acute Micromanagement if you’ve ever received an email that includes copies to various managers/supervisors, only to be followed by an email from every single one of those managers asking you if you’ve seen the email and responded to it.

This is known as Real-Time Emailing or Somebody-Needs-A-Life.

Well, yes, Karen. I did see the email pop up, but I didn’t have a chance to read it because eight other emails popped up asking me if I’ve read the email. No, I haven’t responded because I’m too busy responding to you and the other eight yentas who apparently are on top of their emails like paparazzi chasing Princess Diana through a French tunnel.

May I Go Pee?

You may be suffering from Acute Micromanagement if you have ever felt like you couldn’t make a move without asking for permission.

Some obvious signs of this are a workforce management system that automatically schedules your shift, breaks, lunch, and task work for you. If you dare stray from the assigned telephone time or mail task assignment, you will be penalized. If you are outside your parameters by more than 15% throughout the day, then you are out of compliance, subject to eventual termination.

This is called Red-From-Shawshank-Redemption Syndrome.

The Board of Shame

You may suffer from Acute Micromanagement if you’ve ever found your name prominently displayed on a white board, or similar apparatus, along with your coworkers and a grotesque arrangement of numbers, figures, reports and calculations that indicate what your totally arbitrary metrics “work product” is.

These “reports” are disguised as “motivators” to promote productivity and make everyone feel good about sweating in the sweatshop. They are actually tools to shame you into working harder and longer and be satisfied with not getting a raise or a promotion.

There is not currently a cure for Acute Micromanagement; however, the CDC does have a few recommendations should you find yourself afflicted or in danger of being afflicted. These include:

• Putting on your Big Boy/Girl panties.
• Sucking it up, Buttercup.
• Quit giving a shit. You need to keep your shits to yourself.

Unfortunately, these methods are not always sustainable in the long run. That’s why people sometimes attempt their own home remedies. You may want to try some of these if you are suffering from Acute Micromanagement:

Vacation, Personal Time, Sick Time, FMLA

These are known as the “essential oils” of Acute Micromanagement. They smell good and make you feel like you’re doing something natural. However, the effect is usually temporary.

Medical Marijuana

Side effects include consuming large quantities of junk food and losing all of one’s fucks. We recommend using this treatment sparingly so you don’t end up fat and farming a dead fuck garden.

Though scientists continue studying this affliction, at this time, the only known cure for Acute Micromanagement is Quitting or Retirement. Both of these have their pros and cons, but you should consider the side effects. Users of Retirement, in particular, have reported a sense of euphoria, freedom, independence, increased self esteem, leisure, relaxation, hobbies, spending time doing things that make life meaningful and losing track of time.

Ask your doctor if Retirement or Quitting is right for you.

Stay weird, my friends. Normal is boring!