Why Is This Damned Cake Still Here?

Ever since I quit my job at Satan’s Butthole, I sometimes feel like I’m on an exotic adventure in a new land. I like to imagine what it would be like to write a letter to the friends I left behind.

Dear Friends,

My exploration of the world outside of Satan’s Butthole continues. As different as this place is, there are actually similarities too. One is how there’s always an abundance of junk food I don’t need to eat, but I do anyway.

On Monday, I was confronted by the leftover desserts from our cookout the Friday before. Oh, yes! I almost forgot! We actually do things together as a group, kind of like we did at Satan’s Butthole before it got quite so Buttholey.

We have a grill on on our back patio and from time to time, some of the guys will throw on some hamburgers while the rest of us bring sides. We sit around and eat together and actually have fun without having to worry about clocking in or out or how points we’ll get if we’re late.

I know. It’s weird, isn’t it?

I had the best of intentions of NOT growing my ass any bigger than it already is and I even grumbled out loud, “Why is this damned cake still here?”

I decided that will be the name of my first book. “Why Is This Damned Cake Still Here? The Rise and Fall of My Ass.” Rolls off the tongue, doesn’t it?

Of course, my best of intentions lasted exactly three hours before I found myself absconding with a caramel-topped brownie as my coffee brewed on the Keurig.

Yes, that’s right. A commercial Keurig machine with free coffee.

FREE. COFFEE. But I digress…

Another similarity to Satan’s Butthole is that sometimes newbies to “the island” show up and I have to show them how we do things. This requires me to be friendly, outgoing, pleasant, and patient.

In other words, I NEED MORE FREE COFFEE. Which, of course, means more passes by the desserts on the table. Which means my ass is not getting smaller any time soon.

The first day of training, I’m usually all motivational and shit:

By the second day off training, I’m all…

And after fueling up on sugar, carbs and MORE FREE COFFEE, I’m kind of like…

You’re not supposed to do this, but this is what I do…

Another similarity with Satan’s Butthole is the appearance of Corporate Types with important titles and the power to destroy your livelihood. The difference is, they party with us after hours.

Ok…not with ME. I’m still just a peon. But they party with people above my pay grade and then I get the benefit of the stories afterward, so that’s almost as good.

The Suits really care about our comfort. When things get tense, they soothe us with the sounds of customer surveys being read aloud in a conference call.

Apparently, I’m stern but fair.

Really? You couldn’t survey the guy who was offered to drive three hours and throw me in the trunk of his car take me out to lunch? I’m sure he would’ve described me as the perfect donor for his skin suit a really congenial person.

I just can’t win.

Except with the FREE COFFEE.

Until next time, my friends. Stay weird…normal is boring!