The Imbecile Apocalypse

If there’s one thing working with the public and the internet have taught me, it’s that we are completely de-evolving as a species and the “stupidity” gene is much more dominant than the “intelligence” gene.

I don’t think we’re going to have a zombie apocalypse that will wipe out humanity as we know it. I think we’re already in the imbecile apocalypse and we’re slowly being weeded out by dumb fucks. 

In fact, they are already overpopulating the Earth and overrunning us by a margin of 10 to 1, at the very least. Have you ever noticed how easy it is for idiots to get pregnant and have kids? Lisa has a Phd in Astrophysics and her husband is a neurosurgeon but they have to go through four rounds of IVF to produce one intelligent baby. Meanwhile, Wanda Jean produces ten mouth breathing kids with seven men, the smartest of which knows how to cook meth.

So I guess you could say he’s a chemist.

Think I’m exaggerating? Spend about ten minutes scanning the news headlines online. Then come back and tell me Wanda Jean is an anomaly. Didn’t see anything to convince you? Ok…go back and read the comments under the news stories. It won’t take ten minutes. It’ll only take thirty seconds and you will be agreeing with me.

It doesn’t matter what the news article is about, either. The stupidity of the comments will make your eyes burn. Here’s the perfect example:

The story, quite simply, talks about how people’s superstitions about black cats and the fact that black dogs’ facial expressions are harder to see in a kennel, especially a black kennel, sometimes makes it easy for people to pass them over in favor of lighter colored animals. Historically, shelters have often reported they have a harder time adopting out their black animals.

And here is one of the comments, only a few comments down from the top:

Yes. That’s right. Someone actually thinks we’re being baited into a race war against black dogs and cats.

Do you remember that scene in The Walking Dead when Deanna had been bitten and she was laying in bed, waiting for the walkers to beat down the door and come get her? But she decided to go out on her own terms and instead of laying down waiting for it, she threw open the door and hurled herself at the walkers?

That’s how I feel when I decide to read the comments on ANY news story online.

It’s scarier when you encounter them in real life. 

Take, for example, this conversation with the cashier at the grocery store:

Cashier: (reading the label on my coffee creamer) Original flavor. But what IS the original flavor?

Me: What do you mean?

Cashier: If it’s the original flavor, what does it taste like?

Me: Um. Cream.

Cashier: They shouldn’t put a picture of a wafer on there. When I see the wafer, I think it should have a flavor.

Me:

Apparently, the picture on the label should supercede what the label says because, I don’t know, reading is hard? I guess it should’ve said “wafer flavor“.

The Husband Dude has had encounters with this guy before and can’t stand him. He says it reminds him of the annoying kid in the movie Jerry Maguire.

I guess nothing can beat the conversation I had with a customer at my last job, though.

Her: You cheated me out of $1,000.

Me: No ma’am. We didn’t.

Her: Yes you did. You charged me my deductible when I first submitted my claim and then you did it again with this last payment. It says so right here on this paperwork you sent me.

Me: No, we are just showing you that the $1,000 was applied to the entire claim, but we didn’t charge it twice. Your out of pocket amount is $1,000 and your total claim was $13,000. We paid you $12,000, so you’re only out of pocket $1,000. 

Her: No, that’s not true. I know what I know and you’ve charged me twice.

Me: Okay…I know it can be confusing because there have been several payments, but let’s do the math together so we can be sure, ok?

Her: Ok.

Me: So when you add up the bills you’ve submitted, what do you get?

Her: (tapping her calculator) $13,000

Me: And when you add up our payments, what do you get?

Her: (tapping her calculator) $12,000

Me: So you’re only out of pocket $1,000, right?

Her: No. You charged me twice. It says so right here.

Me: 

Her:

Forty-five minutes later…

Me: I’m sorry. I guess I just don’t know how else to explain this.

Her: Are you calling me stupid?

Me: No, ma’am. I just don’t know how else to explain it.

Her: 

Me: 

Her: I AM NOT STUPID! I HAVE A PHD, WHICH IS MORE THAN I BET YOU CAN SAY!

Too bad it wasn’t in Math, sweetie.

She sent a letter to the C.E.O. of Satan’s Butthole and demanded he fire me, but I worked there another ten years before I quit, so the joke is on her.

Sometimes I think this world can only be cleansed with fire. 

When the imbeciles come pounding at the door, I’m going to throw it open and run right into them.

Until next time…Stay weird, my friends. Normal is boring.