Memo To The C.E.O. RE: Pajamas In The Workplace

MEMO

TO: C.E.O. of XYZ Company

FROM: Kat (long time peon and current doormat)

Dear Sir,

I appreciate the fact that your secretary read my previous memo regarding The Royal Wedding and sent me a response with your signature on it, declining all ideas and suggestions. As such, I have another suggestion.

As I’m sure you’re not at all aware, I’ve been on sick leave for the past six weeks due to a total hysterectomy. Due to doctor’s orders, I was on restricted activity with heavy bed rest. This led to a discovery that I think will greatly benefit workplace morale and efficiency.

Pajamas.

You see, during my time off, I have spent the majority of my time wearing pajamas. I know you’re asking yourself how someone can wear nothing but pajamas for six weeks straight?

I think the better question is, how did Hugh Hefner do it for forty years?

But that’s another subject…

I learned that wearing pajamas for six weeks straight made me a much more relaxed human being. I didn’t find myself getting tense about the fact that Mr. Luna keeps crapping in front of his cat box instead of in it. I didn’t yell when Shane woke up at 2 p.m. and complained about being tired.

I didn’t even get uptight when The Husband Dude watched the Bruce Willis Roast on Comedy Central without me, even though I CLEARLY told him about it at least five times. Even though he KNOWS Bruce Willis is my go-to action guy and that Die Hard is my favorite Christmas movie. He KNOWS I don’t get into the Yuletide spirit until I watch Hans Gruber fall off Nakitome Tower. He is AWARE that if there’s a movie on Netflix and Hulu and it is a vigilante/cop/former cop/bad cop/regular-guy-gets-mean movie and Bruce Willis is in the credits, I AM ALL IN.

So when he told me, “You really need to watch The Bruce Willis Roast on Comedy Central” and “I’m surprised you didn’t wake up because I was laughing so hard”,  I didn’t even roundhouse kick him in the head.

I was in my pajamas and very chill.

So much so, that when he asked me to fix him a cup of coffee, I didn’t knock his head off with sarcasm. I just nicely pointed out that he’s so very good at doing things on his own, that he should just wait until I’m asleep and then sneak around behind my back and make himself a cup.

See how mellow pajamas make you?

I’m sure this could translate quite well to the workplace and some of our more difficult phone calls.

“Yes ma’am, I AM a bitch! I’m a cheerful bitch in super soft flannel and a leisure bra. No underwires makes Mama happy!”

“Why no, Mr. Flirty McPervertson, I am not hot! These bad boys are flame retardant!”

There are, of course other benefits to having a pajama dress code at work:

• We could cut down on tardiness because people could literally roll out of bed and go to work.
• Bathroom breaks would be shorter because, let’s face it, it’s just easier to pee when you’re wearing pajamas.
• Lunch break errands would be faster and more convenient because we’d already be dressed to run into Walfart.

I understand there may be some concerns over appropriateness because some people’s choice of sleepwear is questionable at best. We would, of course, continue to have a dress code that must be adhered to. We would ban all wife beater shirts and any nighties that could star in “Debbie Does Dallas” unless such articles are covered by a robe.

Also, no short shirts with nothing underneath. Porky Pigging it is not allowed.

Our current dress code includes “Dress for your day”, which means wearing something a little nicer when meeting with a customer or when upper management are in the building. I believe we can once again turn to Mr. Hefner and his smoking jacket for the appropriate solution to this dilemma:

Bunnies not included.

I believe these changes to our dress code would also facilitate what we all know to be happening with the company, anyway. In our effort to “give people the kind of service they have to come to expect from other companies such as Amazon”, but in our cheapness to not hire additional help, we are moving toward a workforce that never goes home.

Pajamas could make that vision a reality.

If we already have pajamas on at work, there’s no excuse for us to need to “go home and get some rest”. We’re already relaxed because we’ve got our cozy 100% cotton Jams on!

All we need now is a cot or a pallet in our cubicle, and we are set for the night! Lights out at ten p.m., get a solid eight hours of shut eye, and then up at six a.m. and straight to the phone.

Efficiency at it’s finest!

Can you imagine how good the metrics will look???

As far as scheduling goes, it wouldn’t that much harder than what we do now. We already have our lunch and breaks scheduled. We would just need to throw in breakfast, dinner and showers. And maybe rotate the actual sleep times so that someone is available to take calls twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week.

I propose setting up “blocks” so that one group’s sleep time doesn’t interrupt another’s work time and vice versa. We don’t have to be fancy. Just name them “Block A, Block B, Block C”, etcetera. Each block would be managed by a “supervisor” who would make sure schedules are adhered to and handle any “disciplinary” problems.

Not that there would be any, because in our pajamas, we’re going to be really relaxed and happy.

But just in case, maybe everyone in a block should have the same pajamas so that we’re all on the same “level”. Kind of a uniform. Each block would have a designated color and everyone within that block would wear that color.

Maybe something like this:

That’s a relaxed and efficient workforce if I ever saw one!

Thank you so much for reviewing these suggestions. Please let me know if you have any questions or if there is anything further I can clarify!

Best regards,

Inmate 11748333-2

a.k.a “Potty Mouth”

Stay weird, my friends. Normal is boring.

Special thanks to my friend, M.L. James for inspiring this particular blog post. Head over to her blog Wayward Sparkles and give her some love!