What Am I Even Doing?

I am not feeling inspired, y’all. When I’m not feeling inspired, I’ll find all kinds of things to do besides write.

I can always rely on The Husband Dude to distract me, even when I don’t want it. Like as I’m typing this, he’s reading me the entire Wikipedia article on Frances Bavier, the actress who played Aunt Bee on “The Andy Griffith Show”.

It’s not easy to write something you think somebody else might want to read while you have the live version of an audio book on the couch next to you. Not to mention that WKRP in Cincinnati is on the TV right now, blaring loudly because “we” don’t have a hearing problem so “we” don’t need a hearing aid.

Not that “we” would know how much writing I actually turn out in my blog because “we” don’t read my blog regularly.

But I digress.

One of my other guilty pleasure distractions is really terrible reality TV. The worst one is probably “Ex-Wives of Rock”, which isn’t even on a real cable channel. It’s on AXS TV.

What’s it about?

It follows the lives of four ladies who are ex-wives of rock dudes: Bobbie Brown (ex-wife of Warrant lead singer, Jani Lane), Athena Lee (ex-wife of James Kottak of The Scorpions and she’s also the siste of Motley Crue drummer, Tommy Lee), Sharise Neil (ex-wife of Motley Crue lead singer Vince Neil) and Susan “Blue” Dixon (ex-wife of Warrant bassist Jerry Dixon). It’s narrated by Gene Simmons’ wife, Shannon Tweed.

I think you see where this is going.

Made for TV drama and hi-jinx that doesn’t merit airing on the E Channel or Bravo. Wow. I’ve hit a new low. Yet I can’t turn away. It’s a freakin’ train wreck.

My other diversion is Pinterest, which is the black hole of time suckage. Like, you start out searching “mosaic mirrors” and three hours later you’re learning how to build an addition to your house using old pallets, mason jars and contact paper from the dollar store.

If you’re me, you combine an Amazon Prime session with Pinterest because you have to look up all the materials to make all the crafts that you never knew you wanted to make when you went to Pinterest to learn how to redecorate your house using plastic containers that have been upcycled with spray paint and Mod Podge.

Seriously, who DOES all this shit besides the bloggers who post these articles and pictures that make my crafting skills look like a Kindergartner who hasn’t learned her colors yet???

Which kind of gave me some inspiration, actually, because I thought it might be fun to do a series on my blog where I attempt to create projects I find on Pinterest and maybe drink some wine first.

Because my artistic skills aren’t horrible enough without the side effects of alcohol.

By the way, I have a board on my Pinterest page called “Drinking and Pinteresting” and it has some of the funniest “fails” I’ve run across from people trying to create those awesome projects they’ve seen online. You should check it out if you want to laugh.

Another great diversion for actually doing what you’re supposed to do is that old standby, Facebook.

Last night was one of the, um, more interesting Facebook sessions when I came across a “spirited” discussion on a friend’s page regarding the current issues surrounding the teacher walkout here in Oklahoma.

As often happens, someone made a comment that irritated someone else and that person rebutted, and then it just escalated from there. Or de-evolved. I’m not sure which.

I was irritated by what the first person said too, and I added my two cents to the discussion, but I kept it pretty tame. When I saw a few of the comments, I had my usual reaction, which is:

But apparently, these two knew each other in high school and to say there was some kind of rivalry would be like saying that Ted Nugent and Hillary Clinton might have a slight disagreement.

Commenter number two kind of jumped on commenter number one’s case, but to be fair, she didn’t cuss or call names. She was just kind of aggressive.

Apparently, that flipped some kind of switch on commenter number one and she said, “You know, your personality has not changed much since we were in school. I guess you still think your a wealthy white cunt bitch.”

I feel like you all know me by now. You know I love a good F-bomb and cursing is like a third language to me. But when I read that, even I kind of went:

And then after the initial shock, I kind of went:

Then, I was like, Oh Hell…shit’s about to get real!

At that point, a third Commenter was like:

And CU Next Tuesday lady responded with, “Yes, I have a mouth and goddamn I use it!”

That’s cute.

Hold my beer.

I’d be lying if I said I didn’t mentally get my red pen out and revert back to my school teacher days:

While I appreciate your placement of the word “cunt” in your essay, I urge you to remember proper punctuation and grammar. “I guess you still think your a wealthy white cunt bitch” should actually be, “I guess you still think you’re (see the apostrophe?) a wealthy (comma) white (comma) cunt (comma) bitch.”

Also, your use of the words cunt and bitch together was a bit redundant. If you want to be more creative, I would suggest utilizing some of the new vernacular in the urban dictionary, such as “twat waffle” or “douche canoe”. While still relatively new terms, they contain the poetry that you’re looking for.

Here are the scores:

Effort: A+

Execution: B

Creativity: D

Grammar: C-

Final Grade: C+

Yes, I’m one of those annoying Grammar Police.

But you’ll be very proud of me. I only corrected the grammar in my head.

And my own private Facebook page.

And this very public blog.

There’s always room for growth.

 

Stay weird, my friends. Normal is boring.

Oh…and buy some Grammar Police stuff in my shop!