Like the Brady Bunch Only Not Really

I feel like I should write a post about the family because I’m sure I’ll be mentioning them in posts and a little background never hurts. Besides, I want to assure them that I’m not airing any dirty laundry or telling stories that aren’t mine to tell. But they are part of ME so of course they’re going to be part of this oddness I call a blog.

In no particular order, here are the cast of characters in my life:

The Husband Dude: We met almost 18 years ago in a KISS chatroom. That’s the band, KISS, not some weirdly named predecessor to match.com.

He prefers I not use his real name. I’m not sure if he thinks we’re going to be stalked or if I’m just going to embarrass the shit out of him, but either way he will henceforth be known as The Husband Dude. And I already embarrass the shit out of him in real life, so…….

I left my native Texas and moved to Oklahoma and married The Husband Dude. We got divorced 7 years later.

I can see you going, “Huh? Divorced? But you’re still together.”

Well, this is where we get into some shady Maury Povich level stuff.

Crap happens. We went through some really difficult stuff and at the time it just didn’t seem like we could get past it, even though we tried for quite a while. So we split, pretty amicably, by comparison to some break-ups I’ve seen. But it was sort of like we were never apart because we lived about a mile from each other and saw each other everyday because of our son, who was five at the time. The split lasted about a year and a half.

Maybe we just needed the space and time apart. Maybe having that piece of paper saying “This is the end of this chapter” helped us to put all that crap to bed and feel like we could start over. I don’t really know. But whatever it was, we ended up getting back together and starting fresh in a new direction that worked for us.

As it turns out, we ended up moving back in together and shacked up for two years before getting remarried again right around what would’ve been our 10th anniversary anyway. I tell people we’ve been married for 17 years because it’s just easier, but if you’re keeping score at home, we were married for six and a half years, separated/divorced for about one and a half years, lived in sin about two years and have been remarried for seven and a half years.

Still with me? Feeling better about your dysfunction? Just stick with this blog…you’ll feel WAAAAAY better in coming posts, I’m sure!

I keep telling THD we seem to get married every ten years, so we should get married again when our 20th comes up in 2020. He has politely declined the offer.

Besides, he already refers to me as “My second and third wives”. I guess he didn’t want to muddy the waters any farther.

I could not even entice him with a wedding at that chapel in Las Vegas with the Gene Simmons impersonator. But I’ve still got about two and a half years to work on him!

As a couple, our hobbies are watching really horrible B movies, bickering, talking smack about our neighbors who don’t mow their lawns, and annoying people as much as possible with PDA (public displays of affection).

Separately, I write, read and nerd out with my love of Star Wars and other geeky enterprises. He draws, rides a motorcycle, and roadies for local bands and artists. Together, we have 3 kids.

Ben: Ben is our oldest son. He has a loud laugh and a quick sense of humor. He’s also one of the most talented play-by-ear musicians I’ve ever seen.

He doesn’t know this, but after he moved out of our house, I found some scraps of paper he left behind with raps written on them. The man is a poet. And doesn’t know it. (Sorry, that’s about as far as my poetry skills go. That’s why I write blog-style instead).

Ben lives in his own place, works, and has a girlfriend. He sometimes teases me about being short (He is six feet tall and I am five foot three on a good day) but he’s always appreciative of anything we do for him. He’s a good egg.

Update: Ben married his girlfriend so we now have a lovely daughter-in-law and through her, we’ve inherited three granddaughters and a grandson! Just when it seems our lives can’t get any fuller or busier, we are pleasantly surprised!

Kim: Kim is our daughter. She has the precarious position of not only being the middle child of her Dad’s three kids but also the only girl in a blended family of brothers on both her Mom and Dad’s side. She can go toe to toe with the men in her life but she’s also very much a girly-girl.

Kim is a good mother, even though she doesn’t always realize it. She’s fun to gossip with and laugh with about totally stupid shit. It doesn’t matter if we’re cutting up while I teach her how to make tamales or if we’re talking about makeup. It’s like having a daughter and good friend all in one.

Kim lives with her husband and two little girls. It has been fun watching her grow in confidence and wisdom as she raises her own little family. Honestly, I didn’t think anything could top being a parent, but watching the kids grow up and have kids of their own has its own set of rewards I couldn’t have ever imagined.

So I feel like I have to point out that Ben and Kim are not my biological kids, but I married their Dad when they were teens, so I feel like they’re mine. The only reason I’m pointing out that they aren’t my bio kids is because they already have a great Mom who raised them and she has been generous enough to share them with me.

It surprises people when I mention that we all spend some holidays and birthdays together and we get along just fine. I guess it’s not that common these days and things can get crazy with blended families. We’ve certainly had our issues, but really, “ain’t nobody got time for that.”  So shout out to all the parents/step-parents and exes who get along with each other!

James: James is Kim’s husband. I have to give Kudos to anyone who can marry into the weirdness of this family and not only adapt but fits in perfectly. He reminds me of my Dad, actually, because it seems like he can fix just about anything and he has single-handedly saved us from home-maintenance Hell on more than one occasion. The man always has a positive attitude, even when we’ve called him for the millionth time to look at our water heater.

I’d like to apologize in advance for all the “honey-do’s” in your future. We love you.

Shane: Shane is the youngest and the only one grown in my baby holder. I’m only saying that because, as his mom,  I feel like it’s my job to be as embarrassing as possible. And really, I excel at it.

I’m pretty sure my brand of parenting will one day land him on a therapist’s couch, but he’ll never be able to say he didn’t know he was loved.

Shane is a teenager and budding performer. That kid loves to dance and cheese it up for a camera. He thinks he’s going to be a YouTube star, and I don’t doubt he’ll become famous someday. I just hope he’s famous and not infamous.

He looks like his Dad, but he has my mouth. That’s a double blessing and a double curse. Sorry, Bubba.

Molly: Molly is our oldest granddaughter. She is three, going on thirteen. I think she’s going to be the girly-girl into clothes, hair and makeup. She didn’t stand a chance in that department. Between myself and her other two grandmas, I think she received 60 pairs of baby shoes her first year. I was going to crochet her a pair of booties but got lazy and bought her some baby Uggs instead.

This could get really expensive, really fast.

Brooklin: Brookie is Molly’s little sister. She is two years old, going on to take over the world. She’s going to grow up to be the daredevil and isn’t afraid of anything.

Except my big, sweet, 10 year old dog who just wants to lick her.

Also, a word of advice. Don’t try to put the same pull-up on her, even if it’s dry. She will LOSE HER SHIT.

Trust me on this.

Kova: Kova is our dog. We lost her sister, Cleo, a few months ago so she is getting accustomed to being the only canine in our house. She is doing a good job, taking over from her sister as the Gladys Kravitz of the neighborhood, keeping tabs on everything from our front window.

Mr. Luna: Mr. Luna is our cat. He’s also kind of an asshole. But that’s normal for cats. His name was originally just Luna because we thought he was a girl. To be fair, he was only about 3 weeks old then and it’s sometimes hard to tell when they’re that young. But there was no mistaking the extra appendage he was cleaning about two weeks later when I discovered she was a he. So we tacked on “Mr” to the beginning of her name. His name. Their name.

I don’t know the proper pronoun. But he’s fabulous.

Even when he’s running through the house at 3 a.m. for no reason.